journal d'une transition

776

*11-1-1988, Auroville: Ar. demanded to know, once more, if I was “making love” to Su, and I felt sick and got angry and told her to go away, and now I am sad; I told her not to impose on me her jealousy and attachment, and repeated for the thousandth time in years that I only wanted friendship with her… It reminded me of Diane and her own demands and her affective blackmailing, which had the power to rouse violence in me… I don’t want this around me; already it is often through her obsessive attachment that I am brought back to my own sexual needs… Perhaps I must put a full stop to it, and close the door for some time… … There have been several thefts in the last few days, and one serious arson, at “Grace”, where Shradhavan’s house was burnt to cinders by someone who had set fire to a motor-cycle parked underneath… *12-1-1988, Auroville: It seems that Larry is flying back today. Ed has met the man, Peter Callaway, who has apparently granted the $ 10,000/- Larry was talking about; perhaps it will all be clarified soon… … I am reading a collection of Your answers to various sadhaks… You are living Truth; Your Consciousness is my goal and my security, Douce Mère, You are beautiful and real; I love You…! *17-1-1988, Auroville: I had dinner with Su, John H and Helen, their mother, at Su’s. This was a little melancholy, with an undertone of affectivity, of sentimentality even, with John H slipping, gently evading, as ever… I wanted to return here sooner; I do not bear well any other atmosphere than my own, these days: I need You to be the centre and anchor, and my own freedom to organise around it… *18-1-1988, Auroville: Ar. came after lunch and broached a long, exacting, but perhaps positive conversation; she’s had two terrible days, under the spell of a huge anger at me, and all the while she felt as if this was an energy imposed on her, and she was defenceless, impuissant to push it away and out of herself; she is convinced that, by opening to me, she opened to this particular difficulty, for all these years… We talked… Perhaps this is a promise of evolution, and she will now be able to move forward… *19-1-1988, Auroville: Observing my physical condition, I find that it has lately much improved, in terms of harmony, and evenness, or steadiness; I guess the credit goes to the asanas, and to a disciplined life and diet, and to cycling and exercise; at the same time I also find it is becoming more and more sensitive, almost precarious, and that it demands constant vigilance and adjustment, like a very delicate apparatus… *13-1-1988, Auroville: Your Way is so beautiful, so pure, sot rue, and so whole… I love You!