journal d'une transition

771

makes sense and is necessary is what I guess You called “surrender”: an awareness of the Presence and a confident, trusting, un-calculating given ness to It. … Because of the peculiar behaviour of my heart there are moments of panic, which are very difficult to change without moving into another part of the being; what feeds the panic is the knowing of Ruud’s demise – it can happen! And it is an open door to the most nagging doubt… … There are moments when, in spite of the mixture I manifest at present, I am given to feel more accurately what is, what will be, the true position for me as an individual; as the sense grows of a non-existence – the ego’s non-existence – grows also the sense of security, of being Yours entirely, as a realisation that is bound to come, whatever the circumstances on the way…

*14-12-1987, Auroville: Beyond and through everything I feel grateful, because there’s an awareness of a work being done, of a cleansing and clearing away… And I kiss Your hands and lay my head on Your lap…

*17-12-1987, Auroville: Coming out of a café in Pondy, I saw Kenneth standing, watching me from across the street! We were both happy! He has returned just a few days ago. He’s met Larry in New York and, he says, Larry is violently angry at me, almost madly so, and wants to throw me out of “Ravena”; and that he has $ 10,000/- to finish the house… *18-12-1987, Auroville: Every time I go out to the village, it brings me back to the real India, and it feels like today’s world is a nightmare dreamed by India’s Soul; there is still, in the atmosphere, that vast and tangible silence directly aware, and in people’ bodies there’s still that beauty and nobility, of from, rhythm and presence… And yet this is today’s world with all its falsity and pretence and misery, one cannot step back, the necessity leads one ahead, into another condition of being… … I seem to be nearing the end of my contribution, at “Ravena”; I have now found another work for D and I’ll continue for a while longer with only Jaïmurthy as a mason, to try and finish the plaster work in what was meant to be D.M’s room, the last room… … Show me; take me, Mother, Mother, Mother… You carry the secret of this world. Without You it is senseless; without You one can never hope to truly exist…

*20-12-1987, Auroville: I have lit the charcoal fire. There is a cold restless wind outside, all day; it is an interesting weather, and it makes for a change!!!

*21-12-1987, Auroville: This afternoon, after some quiproquo which was partly my fault, Ar., Su and I each made a small movement forward, to push beyond the psychological barrier and dispel the tension, and the three of us ended up working quietly together at