journal d'une transition

770

of having to go through more estrangement, away from her past and yet not arrived where she is meant to reach, and how it related to her need to be held sometimes, to know that comfort and security…

*7-12-1987, Auroville: I am reading on about the Cathars, a beautifully written work; it feels that this was definitely one of the epochs I had a life in, and quite a few of us as well…

*8-12-1987, Auroville: Ar. told me of the general meeting yesterday, about some delegation of Aurovilians meeting Rajeev Gandhi in support of Kireet , with a request not to let the SAS come back to Auroville – and who should go, and what should they say, etc…

*9-12-1987, Auroville: I was a little discouraged to day at “Ravena”: there is too much work for the means I have in hand, I can’t make it whole… It is depressing to be yoked to a work without the means to complete it harmoniously… Sometimes I want out…! … I have finished listening to the tapes of the year 1973 of Your Agenda… Mother, in gratitude for Your Being and Presence, can’t at least a little something be achieved in my substance, to draw a smile from You? This is what I want! And yet there is so little progress… *10-12-1987, Auroville: I understand clearly why and how suffering is still a necessity for evolution. And yet I also fully appreciate that the true need for change – that is a lasting, trustworthy need – can only arise in freedom and fairly harmonious circumstances (as opposed to dramatic ones)… And that’s where it hurts! Because when there is no particular difficulty and life just seems to go on with some eurhythmy, then one tends to accept a mid-term condition of being, and the need is somewhat dormant. Yet I am certain that it is precisely in this condition and at that time that the need must rise and stay intense, as intense as it comes in times of difficulty; and then, when that happens, more than half the work will be done…! *11-12-1987, Auroville: Most of last night was tough. The heart was acting funny and there was this strange phenomenon: whenever I would slide into sleep, the breathing would just stop, and a sort of subconscious reflex would jolt me back awake… It is sometimes for a period of days that I become conscious of every single breath I take, and when the moment of sleep comes, it’s like I do not know how to do it anymore, how to hand over the control, to whom…

*12-12-1987, Auroville: I seem to be learning a bit about the body-mind and its conditionings; it’s a little of a plunge into its nature, and into the meaning of change there. Vital courage, mental or moral equanimity, seem to have no value there. The only movement that