journal d'une transition

683

*31-10-1986, Auroville: Tamas, tamas, and the sense of being pinned down to a stupid, tiny, cramped, rigid, hollow and dolorous self; among many other such shadows…

*1-11-1986, Auroville: I have been trying to wake up today from under this tamasic surrender to old demons, and to stop accepting the formation of sexual desire in my mind. I know what to do, so I cannot complain. I just got under it the moment I was released from the tension… flat, the wrong way…! This is Deepawali Day, with the sad sound of crackers in the distance muffled by the immobile cloudy wet sky… … I am trying to discipline myself to read this book “The Cosmic Code”, which is a description of the modern physics as they stand today, with their background evolution; it is tedious and I have given up on mathematical notions, but I begin to gather the trend of it and to feel more concerned as it joins and meets with some impressions and inner perceptions or experiences… … Ar. brought me a letter she’d found at the Kitchen for me. It is from Ina, a sort of “love-declaration”, if I am not mistaken, and I really don’t know what to think of it…! I don’t suppose I should let myself get involved again with another woman, however much I may respect or feel friendly towards her, unless it is unmistakably clear and evident that she is “the one”! I’m wary because I can see that I’d be quite willing, at this point, to let go physically, for whatever it’s worth… And if that would imply collaborating to another drama, it’s definitely not a good idea! *2-11-1986, Auroville: A quiet Sunday here, reading this book on quantum physics; it becomes more familiar and tangible, but I wish the man would be right here, with his knowledge, so I could ask directly the questions that have risen while reading and for which he has provided no answers… This, together with the experience of death – the fact of its persistence – has taken me back, as if after a full circle but a little more conscious, to a state I have known many times in the past, a state which is somehow like an anchor, a point of silent questioning, of a need removed from all needs… I used to slip from that state into a trend of desperation but, this time, experiences have come together, and I have found a breath, an ultimate, in the presence of the One, the Supreme… There is no certainty in it – in the sense that one would know where one goes. The only certainty is – and this is total security – that, whatever is next, wherever from the used rounds of the Manifest or the senseless strivings towards the Non- Manifest, He will move, the secret is buried within Him alone, exclusively. The secret is nowhere to be found, in no realisation past, present or future that can ever be attained. The secret IS secret; it is up to Him only. *3-11-1986, Auroville: I am hanging in some void… When I listen to or read Your Agenda, or when I meditate on a particular question or aspect of the reality, it is alright; but I cannot decently do only that…! It is at the energy level, in life itself, that I cannot find my way. It is in relation to life, to people, that I am lost. And nothing comes to give a clue, to make a sign that I could follow…