journal d'une transition

682

…I ate dinner alone at the Kitchen. I miss a friend; I miss someone to communicate to, with… another consciousness, another point of awareness, to dynamise what has collected within me…

*23-10-1986, Auroville: Sometimes in my physical consciousness, very concretely, I feel like a sponge: thirsty, thirsty for the Force, like a dry sponge, to absorb it, to be permeated by It – and that, without It, it is death, it is defeat, it is this absurd nonsense… I need You so much, Your Presence, Your patience, Your loving care for progress, birth and growth… … For a few minutes this afternoon, it felt that they were both just next to me, just in a slightly subtler version of the same situation they had been in, so that they could still make the progress they’d had to make, and that now things were a little clearer to their consciousness, and they were also more sheltered… But I do not wish to feed on imagination or approximations. … I don’t know what’s next. On one hand I can feel some gratitude if that work at “Ravena” remains with me for a while longer, with a purpose within Your embrace. On the other hand I fear a little that it will only make me more isolated… … This morning I sent a note to P.M asking whether they would pass on a letter from me to Satprem… I’ve had no reply as yet. Mother, the more I go, the more Your solitary work feels heroic to me; truly, formidably, enormously heroic…! And I need You so much… *27-10-1986, Auroville: I started to write a letter to Janaka’s sister. I know nothing of her but I thought that, if I am to complete the work at “Ravena”, she must on her part help getting the needed money… When the rain had stopped this afternoon, I went over to show this letter to Larry; he liked it and added a few words of his own. *28-10-1986, Auroville: Looking back at the whole process with D.M and Janaka now, I also feel – and this is a way of seeing that seems just as valid or, at any rate, that cannot be overlooked dismissed – that I have been a rather perfect instrument for the wrong possibility; I see that clearly: every one of my own attitudes made me the perfect prey to fit just so into the wrong mechanism. I am so dumb, so very dumb…! *29-10-1986, Auroville: I am treading along in a mire of tamas… No response anywhere in my scene, no aspiration, no nothing… And the woman in me is out front with her needs – I want to be owned, to be claimed…! … I bought a book on contemporary physics; this part of my mind is way down buried under layers of rust; I have to read every sentence at least twice, and still I stand agape… These people seem to be mainly like gymnasts of the intellect; only, sometimes, some of them hit upon an intuitive prehension of the reality, and these they labour like ants to fit into an acceptable framework and logic… But I intend to try and persevere!