journal d'une transition

666

Because, as things stand, the alternative to reacting would be suppressing, and I don’t want that; with more time by myself I could at least try to offer it all, instead of having to react; but the time isn’t given, and so I offer my reactions instead…! Praying that they can serve a little of Your Purpose! This evening I said frankly and rather brutally to D.M what I thought. She blew up; and then she cried a lot; and then it was calm. But I truly don’t know that I am doing any good there, and often I feel that I should be removed; that perhaps I am merely arrogant and very ignorant in front of more truth than I can take… I don’t know: it is hard to know as long as there is ego! … Today Janaka has vomited twice, and D.M has now decided to let him choose whatever he wants to absorb from now on – a good step, I think… *18-8-1986, Auroville: I feel a little uneasy telling Ar. so freely about the situation at “Ravena”, day by day; I do so in humorous terms, both so that she feels I am sharing with her, as she is helping so much anyway, and so that I too may turn the fatigue and the weight into a lighter process… Still… … Big J came on to me today, the poor woman; she wanted to find some support for her projection onto Janaka, or else perhaps she wanted to be relieved of that pull in herself; and I had almost to lie to her, as I knew that Janaka didn’t want her at all to focus on him or on “Ravena”, telling her that he was now alright; it is a half-lie, and I don’t like that, and I resented being put in that spot. But he certainly has been open to strange people, before…! … Janaka vomited again today; but he is getting a little more alert, and some things are cleared. D.M and I had another heavy scene, ending with more laughter, and Auralice joined in as well… It is a mad house, but a sweet house, everyone in it living for the love of You…! … It seems that Narasimhan Rao, JRD Tata, M’Bow and Kireet are coming to Auroville this Saturday, to “take a decision”, and that Rao intends to meet with the “Neutrals” before the General Meeting takes place… I don’t believe in this: worse, I smell a rat!

*19-8-1986, Auroville: Janaka, I think, is silently working through the blocks; his physical presence is returning, but he still has much trouble keeping food in and functioning…

*20-8-1986, Auroville: I know much of this fatigue is entirely due to my own stupidity, because I let myself drown in the noise of the physical mind; I absorb so much nonsense, agitation, confusion, so much concern over food and body functions, and material details, that this physical mind is all agog and in chaos; and I just try to remember how quiet and open to silence it was… … There is some effervescence in the general atmosphere of Auroville and a small whirlwind is causing people to move like puppets, with the coming visit of all these VIPs who are supposed to determine the destiny of Auroville…!