journal d'une transition

665

… I find myself confronted with the ugliness of death, and wanting all the more our bodies to learn how to receive light, conscious light, so that they can become progressive and responsive to the true becoming – and all the more annoyed and upset by all the attitudes or posturing, the spiritual attitudes particularly, that do not collaborate in that direction… And then, often these days, I “think” of my princess, and I miss a living relationship with her, and I miss news, any kind of news, of her… *15-8-1986, Auroville: I went at dawn to the amphitheatre, for Your Birthday, Sri Aurobindo… I stayed there only a short while: it was a small, too modest fire; there’d be so much to burn! Today I had to fight, in myself, with a mixture of anger, ego-assertion, helplessness, and shame not to be able to help truly – anger, anger at attitudes that do not help bring the conscious Being down, down into Matter; anger at that fever that struck at Janaka yesterday and weakened him again so much; anger, trying to direct it in some constructive way… I got into nearly forcing Janaka to drink, to drink… … Nothing is worth the trouble, as long as there is ego… And there is ego between the Two of You and “me”: the distance is ego… It’s just that I haven’t grown yet to the point when You will direct me to my true dynamic place, wherein I shall have my own direct unquestioned living relationship to the Two of You, on all levels… Still, I love You: this is love. *16-8-1986, Auroville: This continuing contact with D.M and Janaka’s lives and experience is making me quite impious…! It would turn me into an atheist, if that was possible! To me there are excesses of “spiritual orientation” that are so unreal, and so close to superstition, or religion. But with them it is not at all so obvious; it is something else: it is a sort of self-purring into a status of “we are devoted to the Divine; our lives are to serve the Divine and to grow into Him…” I just don’t know how to pinpoint what makes me angry: by reaction, I’d behave like a street lout! There are mouthfuls of beautiful words at every possible, and impossible, occasion… I’d have to relate one entire single day in detail to show what I mean… There is no lack of humour, though, and a rather sweet reservoir of self- deprecating humour at that; still there is something there that keeps disturbing me, moving me to react… I am tired, too – from not having the time to let go, to let it all be assimilated and integrated in my own awareness, this awareness that You have been making grow, in “me”… Instead I go on, on a sort of nervous strength, filling all the gaps that call me… But I cannot complain, I do not complain: I learn through it…! *17-8-1986, Auroville: There are small, short-lived bits of experience that come now and then and are part of a complex development of awareness; I don’t know if I should try and discipline myself to write them down as they come; it seems to me that what matters is how much they allow for one’s becoming more real, more conscious and more free of ego – and on that score I can’t say there is much progress: I keep reacting, reacting, over and over again…