journal d'une transition

663

*7-8-1986, Auroville: I am not too well: the whole area at the bottom of my spine is tight, inflamed and painful and I can hardly bend; there is still some fever too, and my intestines are running amok… It might have been impossible this morning, but for Krishna bringing me a sort of cataplasm based on belladonna to lay on my spine, and with this on I was able to move… I could sleep a few hours midday, though, and I tried to get my bearings. *8-8-1986, Auroville: This evening D.M decided, after much hesitating and questioning her own intuitions, to try that Ayurvedic medicine, which is a nut called “Anacardia” in Latin, that grows in the Himalayas; it took some special preparation, and Janaka swallowed it bravely, surrendered as he is to D.M… … Gupi and J.L have also taken some shifts now; I had to introduce J.L to the scene today, and together we worked with and for Janaka, and I was glad to have him there, he is dear to me; with Gupi, I am reluctant towards what comes through as a sort of folkloric of… You know, the perfect apparatus of goodwill, cheerfulness, unconditional surrender and trust in the Grace in the face of every difficulty: such a model attitude broadcast at every moment… I know, I have contacted a psychic being there too, a child of Yours, but I can never take his ambulatory advertising number…! So I keep quiet and somewhat distant, but I like him well enough, despite what all he threw onto me in the past, in relation to my princess… *9-8-1986, Auroville: D.M has a lot of shakti; but, in her untransformed parts, it becomes a tyranny. Yet she is my sister, and You have put me there! … Janaka is perhaps very slowly improving, reviving; I feel that he is still searching for some direction as to what he is supposed to do next, how he is supposed to serve; he wants and needs D.M to be given at last the power or the means to undo that that terrible physical condition; while D.M wants him to get back on his feet so he can take up again his work with her. To me there is not enough space in this situation, in the way it is set, for a real change to occur. But there must be trust, and they are both calling, and the situation itself is a call. Just like the name of this place, “Ravena”: the cry of the soul… *10-8-1986, Auroville: Last night there was an episode about time, and the arbitrary rule that prevails, the insistence on everyone wearing a watch, and I am refusing this sort of coalition to make people mark the time linearly, exclusively one way, thus remaining under the influence of the same old power… … I am aware that every moment is an opportunity for one progress or another, and I am grateful for all that I am given… This story, though, isn’t making enough sense, isn’t making full sense; I am not happy with Janaka’s attitude at present: he does not care enough… I don’t know; perhaps it is just the difference in our natures, his being quite far, on the spectrum, from mine…