journal d'une transition

662

*3-8-1986, Auroville: N came back with some medicine sent by Dhruva, along with a message for me; but Janaka refused to take it until he’d have seen Dhruva again; his left side is now inert.

*4-8-1986, Auroville: In my sleep last night I had some difficult moments looking at a sort of direction, or drive – or bent – that is powerfully inscribed within D.M’s situation itself and that, to all my sense, is wrong, wrong, and yet can also be felt as true: it is not false, it is wrong; like the wrong truth, or a truth at the wrong place. And I resist being pulled along… Somehow I almost wish You would relieve me of it all, house and work and care – and let others see it all for themselves: I have tried to communicate to D.M, but it does not work… … I have been feverish all day, with weakened nerves, and an attack of piles, and it all says: “rest, rest, have a couple days off…”, but no one comes forward; J.L hasn’t come back with any help… I have asked Ar. to try and find Bill S and explain to him the situation… There are moments when I just want to leave it all… D.M is a terrible brain-washer, and she has no peace, and her very own situation, having people to move her and move for her, is a kind of monstrosity; Janaka, for nearly 10 years now, has done any and every thing she asked… I suffocate sometimes, and sometimes it quietens and there is communication at the level of deep, living truth, and I learn much. But most of the time I sense a lack of peace, of inner silence and surrender, and an odd assortment of values that takes up too much space… *5-8-1986, Auroville: This morning I was so obviously unwell that D.M kept very quiet, and asked me as little as she could; also, Bill S came, on my request, and he said he was willing to help and probably could find one or two more people to take turns with him… So this afternoon D.M and I figured out the most practical schedule for the days to come, and we told Bill S about it this evening. *6-8-1986, Auroville: Quand Tu me rends un petit peu conscient, dans Ta Paix qui regarde et embrasse et discerne et travaille, alors je suis comblé. J’ai – il faut – tant de chemin encore pour qu’une transparence et une disponibilité réelles de tout l’être soit établies… Il y avait ces quelques mots : « Tara, c’est Toi qui fais… ! » … B et d’autres avaient choisi de se réunir auprès de la tombe de Ruud en même temps que sa famille le ferait en Hollande, le 12 ème jour après qu’il ait quitté son corps ; B m’avait demandé d’être là. Je suis allé en avance, et suis resté à l’écart, voyant et sentant plus que je ne pourrais dire… Quand c’est conscient, c’est à la fois très simple et très dense de sens, et les mots tirent l’expérience hors de son état réel et puissant… … Ed et Bart ont aussi pris des tours de relève à « Ravena » ; si cela peut durer ainsi, j’ai quelque chance de me rétablir, en prenant un peu de repos dans la journée… Mais, pour D.M, c’est bien difficile de se trouver ainsi exposée ; chaque personne représente pour elle un nouveau travail, alors qu’elle est déjà si fatiguée et anxieuse.