journal d'une transition

650

I meet him… And then I am with another child, a very special child who, in moments of trance-like experience, looses or secretes, through his mouth and nose, a strange substance – I have already seen this substance in several such “dreams” – that is jelly-like in colour and consistency, and no one knows what this substance is, it also comes from the lachrymal glands, and I keep wiping the child all through his experience…

*18-6-1986, Auroville: For years I have been holding on to a bare minimum of joy.

I know from experience that one cannot survive, cannot exist without somewhere a thread of joy. For me it’s always been just, just enough to go on, and again and again it is like a force of resistance, or of oppression, that goes out to kill it all, and again and again that sliver of joy surfaces back, it peeps back again, just enough, a glimmer of Presence, a shimmer, that holds me together… Yet I find, as it goes, that there is a growing need to unite with joy, probably because I now sense more tangibly that, in order to transform all that mass of resistance that lies below the normal awareness, one must have a tremendous endurance: and I find that endurance must be fed with joy… … At “Ravena” these days, every time I find enough confidence to move freely, and contribute even a tiny creative gesture, D.M responds with a negative statement, and it dies off, and I’m left hanging, between tears and anger and the impulse to quit. Today again it happened, about trees I was planting – they were not those she wanted, and there were more misunderstandings… But what it is exactly that she wants from me, I do not understand…! … I have started to prepare a new painting, which I saw while riding my cycle and concentrating, of just Your Face, white against white, all in white light… I have no idea how to do that, but I shall try! *19-6-1986, Auroville: Today I found in Your Agenda something which may be the answer to my present question: You say that, as the consciousness grows and realises more and more what is truly missing, and the body yearns more and more for Divine Love, to which Matter as a whole has been closed until now, then it takes enormous courage, a sort of heroism, You say, to go on, to continue to exist without it, knowing only that one must be thoroughly prepared in order to become able to receive and hold it… I understand that. I have no mystic sense of exaltation in my nature toward what people nowadays call “Divine Love” but, deep down, I believe that I know a little what it truly is, and that is perhaps what I put in the word “Joy” when I use it within myself and before You… Somewhere I can well accept the necessity for being prepared; it is just that, in the meantime, one feels so absurdly poor and useless; terribly useless, yet still taking place and consuming energy, and responsible for whatever one manifests; without anything really to give… *20-6-1986, Auroville: D.M called for me this morning, to see together about more details; then it came on to the garden aspect, where a series of misunderstandings has occurred; I was reluctant to talk about it, as I felt that they – D.M and Janaka - actually did not need me for that part of the work; but then D.M did what always gets me unhinged,