journal d'une transition

649

vital being, to the extent that I have become more and more divorced from it : and now I just cannot cope any more… I need a healthy, balanced and trustworthy vital so that I can relate, to circumstances, and to things as well as to people… Today also I had one of these open glimpses into the state of life and consciousness (of un-consciousness, I should say) that more and more dominates this country and its peoples: ugliness absolute and tamasic chaos are spreading day by day, and people become smaller and smaller; and it weighs terribly. One usually tried and avoid seeing it ; it is already enough of a task to balance out in oneself this inertia that prevails all around… These glimpses are almost terrifying… I have not gone abroad for the past 13 years or so; so I do not actually know. But I don’t believe it is everywhere as bad: this complete, utter carelessness and disregard…! And sometimes I am just tired of being only a “vella kara”, a “white skin”, a “foreigner”… I have no idea how one can be “happy” in this world! The more it goes, the more imperative it becomes to reach the One Supreme Joy – as all the rest seems to rot on itself faster and faster… … Jagannathan and I went to Villianur, to a frightful area - dirt and smoke and chaotic, noisy ugliness everywhere, the living nightmare of this human world that does not even have the monstrous majesty of a western metropolis, a plain tide of cement and bricks, dirt and iron and offensive flesh like a huge vomit to feed sub- humanity… We had to go and check on the manufacture of the bricks I had ordered for the completion of “Ravena”… … I received another letter form Pnina: she is feeling quite intensely lost; the situation in Israel is another facet of this earthly hell… Is there anywhere a message of joy? Is there any way for this world to be drawn back into some sense and some harmony, without a major cataclysm? The impasse seems to only grow more complete… I have seen several times recently what material unity actually implies, in one’s body. And again today I had a small, trivial example of it, when I saw, at work, one of the helpers who’d had a severe migraine for the past couple of days, and he looked quite strained, and I had a movement of sympathy: immediately I felt his headache as mine! I had to shut it off, but it is striking: the immediacy of it! So, which way to go? You seem to have “surrendered” and “left”…!? Who am I, who are we, who is any of us, to think one can try and follow in Your steps? And yet, there is nothing else that makes sense! *17-6-1986, Auroville: Stray examples of what I seem to be doing at night: I am with the large golden king cobra that lives here near the house, trying to protect him when a large crowd comes in, intent on doing some major work; I must protect him even against N, whose instinct is to try and kill him, and even from people of Auroville, who have fear but do not want to show it… And then I am involved with the story of a woman who becomes the favourite of a very great man after a hard life alone on her own… And then I meet a strange child, a prodigy, the son of Hilde, who tells me he was Hilde’s first son who died before she met Tency, and this child is a very moving person, very sensitive, who has some difficulties, according to human standards, to coordinate, but who responds beautifully when one is open and aware – even his size increases as one communicates with him; John H is out walking with him when