journal d'une transition

617

Je ne sais pas quel est mon chemin…

*1-3-1986, Auroville: It is mainly though Ar., and sometimes through John H, that I get reports on the present events and meetings in Auroville; and it is not encouraging: there seems to be much hiding and covering up and twisting, and the whole issue of the Government Takeover is being worked at, disguised or arranged or dressed up so as to appear presentable… … I am having a hot bath for my feet: they do look spectacular, swollen and greenish, and they hurt! My hands too are sight, but they don’t hurt half as much… *2-3-1986, Auroville: Last night I was trapped in a Western city unknown to me, and I must run and run, having grabbed the spooked iron bar the low man had wanted to kill me with, and I hold it as a help to run faster, with longer and more forceful strides across the city, leaving my pursuers behind; and little by little I realise that there is a friend along with me, and when he is really there, physically, everything turns and becomes easier and friendlier… … It is Sunday; Hans came to see me at home: he would like me to come along, sailing away on that small sailing boat that is anchored near “Sri Ma”, off and around Africa, and later travel to the USA together; that is, if I was willing, he would be ready and happy… It touched me, his whole way of simply hinting at things, his clear eyes, his rough and beautiful presence… But, for the moment, I am clearly bound and held here… … Martha has written to Ar. – and to me, in fact – about those poems of mine that had been refused by the “Fraternity” group for publication in a compilation of Auroville’s poetry; it is a gentle and straight statement, and she herself has resigned and withdrawn when the issue came up; I answered to her this afternoon… *4-3-1986, Auroville: When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel too clear or too sure about “doing” anything in relation to the general situation in Auroville; but in that particular state, almost subliminal, between sleep and wakefulness, there are also elements of cowardice, laziness and false guilt… Later I the morning I thought of going to Myrtle’s and share with her my sense of a practical action one could take; and on my way I happened to meet U and we talked spontaneously and I could find again that there is a like perception in the same few people who do not get deceived and who carry a like need in them… U too is searching for some indication of whether anything at all can be done, and I found this encouraging… … Myrtle was apprehensive, as she does not feel strong or intrepid enough at the moment to face any hostility, to take the backlash that any such open commitment would be likely to invite, but she wanted to think more about it all… … Ar. told me that the abrupt turn-about in M’s attitude was caused by her belief that I had interfered in her relationship with G.M and she now held me responsible for their separation… … I looked closely at the proportion of ego in my movements, and my actions – as in that text I have prepared as a possible statement; and I prayed again for it to be burnt away, as much as I can endure it…