journal d'une transition

609

For the rest, my ability to love is rather… questionable! And today I have been struggling repeatedly through some subtle condensations of hatred directed towards me… From where, I do not know; but it was there! … C is listening to bhajans with me; tomorrow is her last day here: it is not easy… But it is calm and it is offered. *25-1-1986, Auroville: It was 5.30 am when we left in a taxi for the airport, C, R, Klara and I – Klara being on the same flight as them; we were mostly silent on the way, but it was sweet and attentive; C swallowed bravely all her tears but a few at the exact moment of parting when, having succeeded to sneak through, I yet had to let her go at the last security check before enplaning… … The one thing I keep hoping and praying for now is that You make sense of this life: that it does not turn out as a waste or a freak; that it grows into something meaningful, whatever You want, that will be worth the trouble, in Your terms… This is selfish, in some absurd fashion, I know; but it is bound to be so, until You undo all traces of this stupid, ugly and sad ego and there is nothing left but Your conscious rhythms and works of creation… *26-1-1986, Auroville: A puzzling Sunday… I had finished the clean up of the house and had just applied henna on my nails (I discovered it was the best fungicide), when I came to visit with me, after long; and I guess the henna saved me from another intimate encounter I would have regretted; but he stayed for a couple of hours, very quietly, while others came and went… Soaz came with a grumpy Samuel, to get the moped keys and, when she made to leave with him, he cried so much that I understood that he wanted, or needed me to keep him, instead of him coming to me; so I took him in my arms and he became quiet at once, and Soaz left, and he gradually fell asleep, completely still, on my lap… In the evening when Soaz came back to fetch him he cried again, not wanting to leave me, and it was disturbing because it felt deep… But she was determined, and carried him off forcefully; the entire episode left me sore… *28-1-1986, Auroville: Sometimes there seems to be like a major theme to the many dreams of one night; last night it was perhaps about friendship; there was along activity, rather meditative, about the laws of friendship, and of geometry and philosophy, and the living practicality and usefulness of well measured and honest philosophy; and this was related to a search into the Tamil reservoir of inner culture… And then I spent a long time with Krishna: he came to me with good food that he has collected, despite A’s warnings and condemn of me as an “evil force” with all the “proofs” she can think of; still he comes to me with messages and with all the things he wants to put in my safe-keeping, as he has decided to leave again, for some time; and at the last moment he turned into his deeper self, gathered his energies, and realised all he went through, and we meet again, and we hug one another with all our love resurrected and flowing again and secure; we are by then among a large crowd and people begin to stop and watch us and they are touched and as if contagioned, and something begins to happen at large, triggered by our embrace…