journal d'une transition

603

a nasty exchange and that Piero is being particularly silly and dishonest these days)… … This afternoon at “Ravena” with Samuel has restored me somewhat… It seems that I have no resources when people pull too much; I have not learned yet to draw from above as it goes, and so I need harmony, physical and material harmony, to get back together… *18-12-1985, Auroville: I think I could actually write a book about any of these days… Instead, I just throw some laconic notes! But it is a constant and tangible learning, and I can’t complain! All the troubles only arise from the resistance of the ego to give itself up, to “abdicate” as You say, it is obvious…! … I took Ar. down to town this evening, so she could do her shopping, and I went to see E.B. She has been given some more appropriate medicine by a French doctor from the Consulate, and she had slept well, and was better able to communicate… We ended up having dinner the three of us; she has practically accepted now the necessity to return to France, and her reservations are being made, but she is also frightened. Later there was a moment of clarity, when she could express her need to receive and to feel a clear indication of what she is meant to do at this junction; and I had then to withdraw my own pressure, so as to let her call and to call with her; for, if she can open to You again, everything is possible, and she could even find the way to stay here, or in Pondy… But I still have the impression it would be less risky for her to go back to Europe for a while, until she can manage without medication, rather than remaining exposed to all the tensions here… *20-12-1985, Auroville: I left at dawn, to pick up Jagannathan at his house and drive with him over to Kilyanur, half-way to Tindivanam, to meet with Elumalai there and impress upon him that he must now finish, one way or another, this land matter… It felt freezing cold, and a radiant mist was laid all over the fields, far into the distance, towards the red slow powerful globe of the rising sun; it is wonderful to be up and about at this time of the day now… *22-12-1985, Auroville: N brought me a message from D.M and Janaka: there is apparently some “problem” with the roof of the small temporary house, about which she wants to talk to me this evening itself, before I meet E.B… I have to get over a feeling that D.M is somehow being very whimsical… It doesn’t help that I feel this way! … I found E.B in a very improved condition; we had dinner together and she was harmonious and well-poised, simple and tender; it is not yet clear, between the Consulate and Mondial Assistance, how she will travel to Madras tomorrow, but she knows I am ready to go with her if need be…

*23-12-1985, Auroville: E.B est partie, dans une voiture envoyée par Mondial Assistance ; elle est venue me dire au revoir à « Ravena » cet après-midi ; j’ai trouvé qu’elle était capable d’aller seule si je donnais devant elle des instructions précises au chauffeur ; elle était très