journal d'une transition

602

for a taxi and worked to convince her she must move out of Auroville and perhaps go back to France for a while, to catch hold of the work she must do in herself quietly and patiently, so as to become able to return here again… It was tough to get her together enough to pack up a minimum; then it was also tough to find a place in Pondy where she could stay, and tough to have to leave her there alone… G.M came down to pick me up so I could get back to the work at “Ravena”, and he and M will go this evening to bring her the correct medicines… Later I went to see Arjun and a few others to ask them to visit E.B often during the next few days; and then I’ll see how to arrange for her plane ticket, although I’d rather wish she would open to Your help and Grace and find the time and place here, in India, to recover and rebuild herself anew, with a clear purpose and a central understanding… Douce Mère, E a besoin de Toi; il n’y a personne d’autre que Toi qui puisse l’aider… Mère, on est si misérable, on est si petit, et on est si laid… ! C’est terrible! *15-12-1985, Auroville: I am looking again at this question of multiple personality; through E.B’s difficulties, as through G.M’s, as through mine, each in different ways, I can see that this is to some extent a real danger on this path, as long as the psychic being has not been able to unify all these threads and facets through surrender… There are moments when the step between multiple personality and split-personality is very short and frightfully easy, almost tempting… It is a fact, of life and of consciousness, that no human being is ever just one person: each of us must integrate and harmonise many different personalities and identities; yet this is never, initially, a haphazard or arbitrary assemblage; there is for each of us the central possibility of gathering all the threads that present themselves in one’s experience. But it is also clear that this can be truly done only through yoga, through conscious surrender of the ego in each and all of these parts… I am quite aware for instance that as long as ego and desire are not surrendering to the central purpose and orientation, one remains vulnerable to contrary pulls and conflicting yearnings, and to the resulting tensions…! Perhaps for the first time so consistently, I now feel the need to do some tapasya… But I don’t know how to organise myself practically; I can only think, at the moment, of making one hour available for japa and concentration, as a start… But I have to move; I have to make a step, to make my offering more active and substantial… I can’t stay like that on and on, this is too ridiculous, pointless and absurd…! *16-12-1985, Auroville: I seem to be solicited a lot by other people’s problems… But this is filled with little snares for one’s vanity…! The atmosphere in Auroville, probably, is not good; it sure is not good enough! And it seems that wherever and whenever it can slip off and go wrong, it does and it happens! Kenneth is having troubles again, this time externally triggered by his house having been broken in, in a rather weird fashion; he needs people to stay near him: he came here to ask for help, just as I was listening to G.M’s accounts of another dramatic meeting at Matrimandir; we both agreed to go and spend tomorrow night with him at his place… (It seems that both Arjun and Piero have gone very far into