journal d'une transition

592

Je suppose que je réaliserai plus tard pourquoi il en est ainsi : Auragni qui est là- bas, tenue dans l’ « autre Auroville », et ici près de moi personne, à part Samuel, en qui je puisse couler…

*3-11-1985, Auroville: Not much progress today… It rained throughout the morning while I cleaned up the entire house. Gnanivel came and stayed a long time: I am not sure what he feels or what he has in mind or even of how aware he is, but he seems to give it importance, and it is very sweet and quiet with him… I tried to work more on that painting I have started, thinking to offer it to L, but I am not satisfied with it… I did the laundry; Samuel had his bath with me here; Ar. came for her hair-cut… I spent the evening in town with D.M and Janaka, about the construction; but I felt a little sad: as if all this tension to do the right thing, to overcome resistance in oneself regarding each detail, so that there is no distortion or disharmony in the materialisation… appeared now in a poor light, or as if some interest or some concern in me had snapped; it was less of a discovery, less of a revealing process… But later D.M and I were able to communicate in more general or inner terms, and that was good… *4-11-1985, Auroville: M and G.M came and told me that C’s house had been broken into last night – or perhaps it was early this morning: I did hear sounds from there, through the rain, but I’d thought it must be M returning from Dana and didn’t give it more attention… Few of M’s things were stolen, and a big empty suitcase, but apparently none of C’s things… There has been some heavy raiding all over the Green Belt… It is always this almost repulsive sensation of intrusion, of someone entering the atmosphere with an alien will, and I can’t help resenting a little the confusion that M lives in as an opening for this to happen… *5-11-1985, Auroville: It stuns me sometimes, what an opportunity is given us here to open and to use all the time of life for the real thing, when anywhere else we would be bound by necessities that veil, delay, obstruct and oppress… … It rained only at noon and the work at “Ravena” could go on all day. D.M has sent me a note to let me know how she has often felt that Diane is projecting a lot of bad will on whatever I do, experience or touch, and that I should not keep any material connexion with her, such as the aquamarine stone I wear on my neck, and that this might be the cause of those bad dreams I have been having… *6-11-1985, Auroville: In my sleep I saw and experienced a large gathering, at the Banyan tree, and the condition we are in as a collectivity: people were arriving late, and there were forces of disintegration active among us – them -, and the place in each of us for the central Force was not clean, not ready, it wasn’t kept alive and offered… … Samuel was with me all afternoon at “Ravena”; we took N home on our way back; and that is where I am disturbed: the attraction is very strong, this yearning in me to let go and melt in the arms of another man I can turn to, is so intense and so imperious, and it goes so far back and so deep that I am quite helpless in the