journal d'une transition

591

Douce Mère, le chemin que tracent Tes pas Est ma seule lumière Et mon seul amour. Si obscur je sois encore dans ma vie Tu es ma seule réponse…

*31-10-1985, Auroville: In the moment to moment experience, I seem to have come beyond the point where known, or even anticipated notions, could provide an explanation for the mysteries of the difficulties and fluctuations that occur; these notions, as when I read Sri Aurobindo, remain valid from a general point of view; even their validity seems to grow; but in the hour, seemingly left alone and groping from state to the next, crossing currents, loosing ground, finding a flow, being dropped the next minute, one must, one has to, develop another, yet unknown, ability to orient oneself… I don’t know… … It has been a while now that I frequently feel, physically, a kind of disgust, or acute unease with myself. It has variations: from the sense of being stuck with a form that does not evolve according to what I now feel to be the truest or the most necessary; to a yearning for the presence of youth, that is now gone and yet not gone, but for something fuller, more complete, luminous and rich, that is not yet there… … There is at the same time the sense that the necessary changes are so considerable, so formidable, and the way to go so… immense… and yet too there is this sense of immediacy: that it may merely be a question of reaching, of stepping over and into… a true world… Both, simultaneously, are there… *1-11-1985, Auroville: The light is so lovely, every branch and every line is so vivid in the crisp, cool air… N has at last returned with a trailer full of granite posts… I didn’t probe him too deep: he was evidently exhausted and, anyway, he made it! … G.M came, to talk… He is stuck, and so is M and so is F, to the point that it seems to each of them that there is no other solution but for one of them to leave Auroville… … Samuel has learnt now to hold himself in front of me on the bike, so he can spend every afternoon with me no matter where I go or what I have to do… *2-11-1985, Auroville: Des choses, des états qui passent… et les contradictions de cette Auroville viennent dans ma conscience comme autant de questions, et d’impossibilités… Cette séparation qui se creuse entre différentes parties d’Auroville, différentes approches : je le vois, je le sens, et je n’y suis nulle part… il ne reste qu’une sorte de chemin très mince qui, dans ma vie à présent, se manifeste par ce travail avec D.M et Janaka, vers quelque chose de plus grand, de plus vrai, de plus réel… Mais il y a ce qui me reste de vie « privée » ou « personnelle », qui ne semble pas progresser ; les rares relations qui me sont données ne semblent pas correspondre à ce que je ressens être mes besoins… Et je ne sais pas comment marcher : j’essaie, mais cela ne sembla pas bouger…