journal d'une transition

572

too constant, and negating… And I asked then, in the dream “what if one is held and surrounded by Mother and Sri Aurobindo…?”… … Ar. came this evening with her report of the general meeting: one of the issues was that no Service could reject any individual member without the full assent of the community; and therefore I was to be “allowed” to use the “Pour Tous” Service again; it also appears that those in “Pour Tous” who had written this declaration of rejection have now left the Service, just as it seems that some of the people who have been most active in wanting me out of Auroville are now themselves leaving Auroville… And it goes on and on… But I do not want to go back to “Pour Tous”…

*12-8-1985, Auroville: I went early morning to the Airport to receive Barbara, Ruud and Akash; they are happy to be back, and to find the garden lush and thriving after all these rains; they have brought just a little bit of money to fix the leaking roof of the house…

*14-8-1985, Auroville: There is this worldwide explosion of concern and anxiety over this “new” machiavellic disease called “AIDS”… It is being spread in such a way as if fear – the very worst of all perversions – could ever be a help in getting rid of all the other perversions human nature teems with… But one never grows from fear…!

*15-8-1985, Auroville: Today Sri Aurobindo is 113…!

Something a little puzzling happened: I was just trying hard, while sitting at the Fire, at dawn, to firm up my resolve to banish “all desire”, and particularly that stubborn desire in me to experience again an intimate friendship with a man… Soon, Samuel wanted to return here with me; we found G.M waiting for me and, next to him, Ilangu, who had simply decided he wanted to spend the day with me; I could see that G.M wasn’t too happy with Ilangu’s presence, but I couldn’t possibly ask him to leave; a while later G.M left; others came and went; Samuel eventually fell asleep and I settled him inside, quietly; so then Ilangu was alone with me and I realised he had responded to an attraction that has long been felt between us, since the time he worked here as a carpenter; his attitude was very sweet, very candid and fine and genuine; there was a sense of given ness with him that touched me; I understood then that he was still a virgin, and felt very hesitant to delve further into a relationship with him… But through this, or in the event itself, I also felt… what…? like a tender sign from the Lord, and a smile… For the Lord alone knows what it is I am truly yearning for…! … I experience all the time this struggle in relation to energies… It is like life, the whole of human life, is steeped into and supported by flows and currents of energy which, generally and usually, are blind, that is, not consciously aware of the Lord; they are there to sustain and fill up and enact a condition, groping and imperfect, the human condition. Without these energies, everything would fall flat, or return to some vegetal state… So the situation, for those who have become somewhat conscious of the Lord’s direction in evolution, towards another, truer status of manifest material existence, is that one must learn to shift from the support of these energies onto the truer and deeper support of the Force, which they normally