journal d'une transition

565

I do not know… … If I turn to Sri Aurobindo, I understand the difficulties of this process, inherent and implicit in such an attempt as Auroville, and I can accept. But otherwise, I am tormented with doubts… People also said that I was hiding behind Auragni, drawing pity on me so that the real issue would be ignored… … I have struggled all these years to live by Your Grace, Your smile and Your love, fully aware of my impurity, my resistances and my trends of ego; somewhere and somehow I also have a sense of humour, and I am free also of all this soup and this mess… There are so many aspects to it… I resent Satprem’s loose tongue, and his lack of wisdom in encouraging such a “spirit” to develop in Auroville; but who I am to resent anything from anyone!? I myself seem to have contributed only division and conflict! … But, what am I to do now? *1-6-1985, Auroville: I feel sullied. I feel that I have shared in a flaunting of inner truths, in a betrayal… It leaves me with a fear, an anguish that nothing will come out of all this – that the time has been postponed, that no one here will be able to shift to another state, concretely, let alone a group… I don’t know what to do. I try and imagine myself away from here, perhaps in Brittany, painting or weaving or writing, away from this “dream”, and anonymous… Or else, cutting all connections and disappearing somewhere… And perhaps it might be simpler for Auragni… And Auroville will progress, and Matrimandir will get completed, and… we shall see… What about my commitments in the “now”, then…? I feel a terrible shame and disgust, as if I had participated in a desecration… … Ce soir Ar. vient me dire que, d’après Myrtle et d’autres personnes, ce que j’avais fait, devant ces gens assembles, était courageux, et que cela avait permis de voir derrière certains masques, ou de les faire tomber, que ce n’était pas une défaite, et qu’il fallait que je poursuive…

*2-6-1985, Auroville : Le dégoût et la honte ; et une sorte de révolte…

*3-6-1985, Auroville: The more I look and the more I find myself in the strangest situation… And sometimes I am aware of… a “kid”, who is also me, rocking with laughter…! It is also as if I have now touched bottom and drunk my fill of poison… D.M now and then sends me some Aphorisms of Sri Aurobindo, and they always hit the mark… In this way, she helps me…!

*4-6-1985, Auroville: For days I have been trying with Jagannathan to obtain records and land documents at Vanur, for lands that are adjacent to the site; Indian administration, at least in these parts, is hopelessly and grotesquely steeped in corruption; all