journal d'une transition

564

… This evening Jossie, back from the hills, came to tell me of the water-falls, the deep grass in the clearings of the old forests, swimming at dawn in the misted lake…

*31-5-1985, Auroville: This has been horrible.

I am left with such disgust, such a sense of rot, in myself, and in the people here… They went at my wounds with teeth and claws and tore them open, and I was trapped in the circle of these fanaticisms… It actually started in the morning: I had to go to “Toujours Mieux” workshop to pick up some tools I had ordered for D.M’s work, and to see about having a wheel- barrow made; Thierry was there, and Jean too; Thierry began by telling me that they do not like me to come there, therefore he had not gone on with the work I had ordered; then Jean joined in heavily, attacking me viciously, saying that I had anyway no right to be in Auroville as You had told me to go away, and the fact that I had returned just after You had left Your body – this is the first time I hear this lie directly – clearly showed who I was and whom I served… I tried at first to respond, telling him he was uttering lies, that he knew I had returned before You left, and also that You had only told me to go after Pourna had played her games; but I saw that it was pointless and told him to express his opinion at the meeting; he replied that I would get nothing out of any meeting, because there were enough people who KNEW who I was and had the experience of it, and they would never change their minds about it… I left, and went to work… I felt that, indeed, I had wasted all these years and only caused trouble and ought to have stayed away… And this afternoon, Ar. came with me to the general meeting: people asked me to present my “case”; then Jean, Al.B, Rakhal, and some others went right ahead : how could I possibly question Your word!? You had said “No”, so that was it, wasn’t it!? I tried to tell calmly the whole story of how it had happened, and what had been done to me, and how Your instructions had been reverted, and what advice had been given me… But it only got more confused. Even someone who I had thought and believed was my true friend, F.Ga, said something absurd: according to him I had asked for the Grace to let me go! And therefore, whenever I asked You later to take me back, You refused… Then he added, for good measure, that he knew that Satprem had termed me “a little snake”…! Big J even joined forces with them, saying that this was only a just return of things as I had in the past wanted to throw her out (which isn’t at all true!)… Al.B was standing right behind me, and I heard him then say, loud and clear, that he felt and believed that I was “utterly false”, and must leave Auroville… Rakhal chimed in… And both of them have been my friends…! A few people – Myrtle, Arjun, a couple of others – tried to bring the whole issue into some perspective, but they were denied… And that was it. There was a man there, Jeffrey, who has come to Auroville to invite us to be part of some international forum working to establish, wherever it is possible upon earth today, places where the land is held in trust for the whole earth; they have worked out a legal frame and already succeeded in Canada and in England; he spoke at length; he said that, out of his experience of what had gone on in this meeting, and in previous meetings he had also attended – and he said this with much intensity -, he had found a terrible lack of commitment to human unity, and couldn’t but state it… People giggled uneasily… It was all so frightfully wrong…