journal d'une transition

559

Ar. ne savait plus que faire… Je lui ai demandé de me laisser seul. … Il n’y a rien que je puisse faire, sans troubler la vie d’Auragni…

Et sans respect ni estime, ni amitié pour Diane, comment puis-je agir ? Tout ce que je ferais marquerait la division dans la vie d’Auragni… Et ainsi Diane obtient ce qu’elle veut… Mais comme cela fait mal… Je ne comprend pas : c’est comme un jeu cruel et pervers… *10-5-1985, Auroville: Barbara and I spent the entire day in Madras; we each had a lot of purchases to do, and she is getting ready for her journey west… But this city is hellish; bodies and bodies, in squalor and vacarm, soot, sweat and dust, and neglect everywhere, and money reigning over it all… … I have received another letter from Jeevan (R’s new name), very tender… *14-5-1985, Auroville: This is a time when I find so much wrong with myself, so much insincerity, and such dubious ambiguity deep down, that I am amazed and overwhelmed by it, and I would tend to agree with the judgement that is passed on me…! … There was a concreting at Matrimandir this morning; I did my work without joy; when I returned here, it was to find that the masons had done it all wrong in Krishna’s house during my absence, and I had to have them start all over again… *15-5-1985, Auroville: I had an interesting dream activity, in search of the proper receptacle, and the proper materials for it: it is to be like a big horizontal copper egg, in two halves, to contain fire; and I meet with Anurakta, who tells me of his work on perception, and of his search for people with whom he could share his practical knowledge – perceiving power through the activation of the charkas –, in a clear and centred atmosphere… Perhaps I dreamt of Anurakta as I have intended to go to him and ask him to help identify a good source of water near D.M’s house-to-be… *16-5-1985, Auroville: It seems that Diane has lately been telling people that Auragni is a little “retarded”, due to my bad influence, and that if she is not able to speak properly as yet, it is due to my “grip” on her… I am sure, profoundly sure, that Diane is doing something very ignorant and wrong and detrimental… I now feel that I need people to help with this; not this cruel “sympathy” and this feeding onto my “story”, but actual, concrete help… In a way I feel that Ar. is the one who is the readiest to actually do something, who has the least fear of consequences… This evening I saw that, while M is so clear and willing, G.M is quite hesitant, and I understand again that I can ask nothing from him… So I still do not know… If I act on my own, all alone again, it may have more of a negative impact for Auragni, because of the way people are geared to react to me…