journal d'une transition

424

… I have received the prints of photographs I took this last January and, among them, are two portraits of Krishna, in which his eyes express such a puissant and irrational hatred that it goes right in, and it shakes me deeply… I hadn’t at all been aware at the time… I feel a nasty energy entering, and it knocks my breath… … Diane still refuses to talk; she keeps obstinately separate in her apprehension, and it just worsens between us, and we go on behaving the way that will most hurt the other, as if a mechanic had started that was intent on breaking both of us down… I sense in Diane such an accumulation of rancour, from way back into her own past, and like a mad want… And I still do the mistake of addressing her as a friend or a sister, as a person, and she resents it, always… But tonight she weeps and comes to me for comfort and I hold her till she sleeps, at peace… I am amazed at the mess two people can make in just a few hours time… There may be other standpoints, but humour is certainly indispensable…! … I have, between dreams, this “vision”, as if seeing from the position the child is in: colours and shapes expressing Diane’s condition; there are tall chequered lines of black and gold, waving up and down densely and, underneath, as if in a curved niche, all protected and sheltered by its own force field and yet aware of everything around it, a regular cavity filled with that orange light – the “gheroua” colour, which is also the colour of Auroville: just this, the light, a silent vibrant space of deep orange light…

*17-6-1981, Auroville: Diane is in pains almost all the time now. The child keeps shifting, Myr is nonplussed…

*19-6-1982, Auroville: I went shopping and got a small gift for Diane. According to our initial calculation, Diane should go into labour any day now, but the child’s body has moved back up and is shifting around and Diane feels much more relaxed now… There is an energy in this body that feels very independent and very alert, almost as if externally aware… *21-6-1981, Auroville: Diane had some contractions in the early part of last night, but it quietened, and today, the “appointed” day, is upon us and Diane feels nothing special…! But sometimes I have a burst of energy that is so tender, it wants to embrace everyone…

*22-6-1982, Auroville: Before the mystery of these processes, one feels ridiculously small and crippled, reduced to such a cramped focus; and there is, too, a kind of sacred awe: it is best the mind knows not, it is best it is not allowed to pretend and interfere…