journal d'une transition

418

*10-4-1982, Auroville: This evening another scene breaks out with Krishna; it is focussed on the issue of the workers, but the energy is pointing at something more serious… He has been very reactive lately, and now it comes heavily between us, and he calls me the “enemy”. It is too much. It looses all meaning… Again, oddly, I feel calm and distant from it… … I am told that Satprem has gone abroad, to France first, and that he is now in Sri Lanka… *14-4-1982, Auroville: As the new room gets completed and the whole house is rearranged, we together seem to gradually enter into a life that is the expression of our joint experience, and surely this makes Diane feel more secure and at her right place, and so it flows much more peacefully… … Krishna and I have both avoided any “serious” talk; we remain “practical”; this afternoon we clean the store-room and mark the tools together, this being Tamil New Year Day… *19-4-1982, Auroville: There is the daily work-out at “Last School”, with R, M.S, M mostly – and the gentle, simple and humorous relationships that have developed there making our work more meaningful, even though Coni has had to go abroad for some time -, and the afternoon work at Matrimandir, I have no more contacts with the “collective experience”… And the external relationship with Krishna seems to be ruined again… But this time, something that was in me like a blindness, I guess, has ceased to try and protect it, or to shield it from a deeper sense of caution. I am no longer eager to make any movement toward him. I have had to accept what I saw, and to stand by it: there is a rather momentous perversion there, in him, which I have had now to face… *20-4-1982, Auroville: Krishna tells me of another part of our area here where he could live and work and plant trees… I gently try to let him see that it is he who thus puts me in a position for which he then resents me… He is confused, very tense, trembling; there is a lot of violence welling up in him… And Diane now tells me that he has recently tried to brain-wash her against me… while pretending he was doing it as my true friend, in order to save me… I don’t know… I just know that none of this feels REAL! And that’s all!

*27-4-1982, Auroville: One knows not yet how to live.

*2-5-1982, Auroville: