journal d'une transition

280

In this tape we heard You say that You have taken this body, this time, being completely free from attachment and desire, with an asexual vital being, like a warrior fearing nothing, desiring nothing in all the worlds but the Truth… Sometimes I have this feeling that I was born almost free, but some influence seized on me when a small child and tied me to the most suffocating desire, one least admitted in human societies, and sought to make me a slave of it for so many years of hell, forcing me to touch the roots of obscurity, until I could begin again to learn and rely on the Presence within and slowly recover freedom, but with a centring and a comprehension… And now fears are melting away, trust is developing… … With P.G we talk of the Olympic Games… It is the first time, this year, that the Games are to take place in a country fulfilling none of the conditions laid by the Olympic Charter, and it is also the year You had appointed for Auroville – India – to host the Games… It is interesting to note that this year in Auroville everybody has become involved in sports… Perhaps it is time for Auroville to initiate a process and offer itself as a location for future Games and to propose that the black disc should be replaced by the golden one, as You have indicated… *24-1-1980, Auroville: I still lack the confidence needed to pull the entire thread of my dreams; Instead, I jump from one to another, in a hurry, and must be loosing a lot of it… I have also the impression, more than an impression, that activities, “dreams” take place or happen simultaneously on different planes (or that different parts dream different activities, at the same time); so, it is actually quite complex…! … Gauri is being courted all night, it’s been that way for several nights already; in the morning when I feed her, she makes a big show of queenly indifference… … Marcia has left G.M and moved to the Camp and I am upset on G.M’s behalf… But this morning, Marcia comes to me and very gently tells me she had a dream where I was furious at her for leaving him, and she offers that we talk quietly about it, soon… … Abha and Radhika come in a rush to call for the Guard: the SAS has sent a bunch of people to occupy the “Amba” gardens at “Auromodel”. The police are already there when we reach, ordering the SAS people away; I feel bad for Ram Singh; as Al.B puts it, we have no cause to be proud in this particular situation, as Ram Singh has not been treated well by us… I like the guy; I feel he has a big heart, and an awful wife, as “Fate” would have it…! … We are told that SSJ, on behalf of the SAS, has tried to gather all the village elders and village chiefs and have them take position against us, at a meeting specially convened in the “Mother’s Centenary Guest-House” (Jagdish’s fiefdom); but that they have refused and even expressed that they would rather support us…? What has happened to SSJ? … I find G.M waiting for me in the house. I settle him and go prepare the big room for the Agenda session… When it is over, I make him tea and let him speak… He says he has gone to the wall, and felt there was no way but suicide… He is afraid of loosing the sense of direction; he felt then that the only opening was to come and stay with me, concentrate on our work at Matrimandir, while being nearer to where Marcia is… I try to make him see that he must come to terms with himself, that he must also appreciate what has been given to him through this place he now has in ‘Dana’, and listen for what his inner being is leading him to; that he must have trust and think no more; that of course he is welcome here always… I talk to him of other things, then, of “collective matters”… He walks back to “Dana” quietly in the night…