journal d'une transition

276

that I can’t be that joyous in any circumstance…! Is it always and only insincerity that opens one to depression?

… At night, listening to Your Agenda, I hear You say something which strikes me as precisely the program I must follow: You say that there must be… « … une acceptation totale et joyeuse de tout ce qui est, comme condition indispensable pour participer pleinement à ce qui sera… Un refus de ce qui est n’a pas le pouvoir de changer. Il faut accepter le monde, avec compréhension et joyeusement, pour que ça puisse changer et devenir ce que ça doit être. Il faut devenir le Suprême de ce qui est, pour changer avec le Suprême en ce qu’Il veut être… ! »… At first I feel a strong resistance to it. Then I begin to perceive how much love is contained in it; and I understand that it is only the limits of my capacity to assimilate the contradictions that prevents me from experiencing this position… And then, in a sudden moment of lifting the veil, unexpectedly, I experience the atmosphere of Lord Krishna: His unique atmosphere… His own self-built offering of being, the quality and the vibration of this Presence… I don’t know why it happened…! Later on You happen to explain the significance of the number 9, which is my number: « La gestation dans la Matière. » *12-1-1980, Auroville: Gauri has remained the whole night where I left her, immobile. Her moaning and meowing is softer when I caress her, quieter; she is healing herself and her body must be feeding on its own milk… Truly, “all life is yoga”…! … Satprem has sent an extract of Your Agenda of 1972 in which You say that the only way to get rid of “undesirable” elements is the very force of our sincerity: such people would find it unbearable to live in the atmosphere that the sincerity of our realisation would generate… *13-1-1980, Auroville: It is Sunday. After the clean-up of the house, I cycle down to “Douceur” to see Cristo about bricks and cement, then to “Auromodel” to change the tapes of the Agenda at Al.B’s; he has just received his copy of the Volume 5 and shows me the 2 pages of warning Satprem has written as regards Panditji’s tantrism which, according to him, is now turned against Your Work… … At noon Krishna comes; he brings music tapes of Middle East and Arab songs; our bond seems to be effortless, motiveless, given, purposeless, timeless, both of us here for You, for the love of You… P.G comes to ask that Laur and her children may come and have their afternoon rest in the house; we all share coffee… Krishna and I rest in the inner room, his head on my feet, Gauri asleep on my lap… He reads the papers; his physical presence is always like an environment to me, in which I feel sheltered and at home; it is not two distinct, separate bodies, but two milieus that freely intermingle, with a kind of gratitude… … When I am finished doing the laundry I find that Laur has left the room in a mess of pillows; it strikes me as odd: she had been repeating the mantra all the time,