journal d'une transition

275

At noon I find that Gauri has eaten her kitten; she rests against me… … Jacq is down with hepatitis. Whenever I visit with her in the Camp, this situation, her being ill and lying in bed, makes it somehow easier for us to express the closeness of our relationship… … We listen to You… Mother, You are the most honest being of the whole world! Your Honesty is integral and constant… It is such a teaching! Mère, je T’aime! Tu es si belle! *9-1-1980, Auroville: Since a few days the mosquitoes have become a major nuisance… Some solution needs to be found if Auroville is to be inhabited! I don’t understand this world! Who the hell is looking after it?! That is really asuric! Does one have to pay for every loveliness? What a mean management! This afternoon I had to ride over to Koot Road to see about the cement application that now requires some kind of stamp; it is a comedy; corruption is there so… natural! But also in the sense that these so-called moral values have been imported along with much of the administrative systems still in use, and the entire lot remains there as an oddity, not something arrived at, but something grafted… *10-1-1980, Auroville: At the end of the PT meeting Al.B arrives with news from Valya: the SAS – Guru Prasad, the carpenters and others – intend to come tomorrow to Matrimandir and work; and Valya cannot help us; he will send police but, if we answer to the provocation with some “action”, we’ll be arrested… I can’t see clearly… The past years have shown the poor measure of our sincerity; warnings have come, which we keep ignoring… I’ll be there tomorrow, but I have no wish to be arrested… I’ll stay… I feel that even if they “win”, they can’t win for long, because the work is primarily in the consciousness. I have come to the conclusion that it is meaningless to fight “together against the enemy” if and when we are unable to strive and fight FOR the work! … Noh helps me to finish preparing the dinner; it seems to be appreciated by everyone, but Allan gets upset at me because I didn’t tell him there were oily seeds (which he can’t assimilate) in some of the dishes; it was not a lie on my part, merely an omission… but these days I often find myself slipping, little failings to truthfulness – truthfulness is not yet spontaneous at all times; it disturbs me, bothers me, it must change fast…! This is a priority! *11-1-1980, Auroville: Early this morning, Mangini comes to tell me that the SAS has already posted the carpenters, along with some villagers, by the structure, and 6 paid watchmen in the Gardens… There we are…! When I reach Matrimandir I find a police van parked near the structure and about two dozens constables standing close by; Dor and Bill S are just removing the lowest of the ladders; the carpenters and some other men are squatting by the shed and, in the back room, like a presence of gloom, Jyotiprem and Guru Prasad are sitting… We go to work; some of the “Aspiration” people have come, called by M.D, and are working with Arjun and Andy, joyful, laughing… I don’t know what’s wrong with me