journal d'une transition

402

But this was followed by a strange dream in which parts of Savitra and of a few others were like… unmasked, and it was terrible… At the dance class this morning, we all work with music, and I return from it all happy; and here Diane and I are able to quietly walk around the house and see together how we could build an extra room, harmoniously… And tonight, as if it was a purposeful determination that drove her, she starts winding the negative mechanics all over again… As I am still in excellent mood, I manage to tease her out of it; but the unease has crept back in… *26-11-1981, Auroville: Diane is nasty this morning: she says it has to be “like that”, there is no other way… And perhaps I have finished with trying too… I only feel an ever more imperious need to centre, fearlessly and, if possible, lovingly… *29-11-1981, Auroville: John H has come to have dinner with us. Of course Diane is upset and makes that clear as soon as he has left. She then declares, semi-provocative, that she is now detaching herself from me… When I fully agree and approve, she looks at me… We laugh! And the night is tranquil… *30-11-1981, Auroville: Diane is lovely this morning when I return from “Last School”; she has dressed nicely, ready for us to drive to Pondy, and it feels happy together… … We go to our usual restaurant, near to where Krishna is staying, and Dom comes to tell me that he’s had to leave in a rush to a special doctor in Madras, as he woke up all swollen up from a new blockage of his kidneys… I get worried… As most nights, several people come and listen to the Agenda, and John H is always one of them. Diane has gone to “Dana”. It has rained, so everyone has stayed on a bit longer, waiting for it to abate. John H is still with me I the house when Diane returns. He leaves almost at once, but, that was it…! She starts, and goes on pressing and pressing, and it brings me to a place I had never been, where I have no control… I hit her. The rest of me is watching, calm, but I am deeply moved by what I see in her eyes. I know how important she is to me and yet here I am, shouting at her and hitting her… Silence falls. I kneel at her feet, hugging her knees; she is immobile, her eyes very wide and very alive… Slowly we can smile, and move… It is midnight when we go to sleep. In the night, I suddenly hear things toppling down… I cautiously go down the stairs, turn on the light: a long green snake is there…! *1-12-1981, Auroville: Tonight a big black rock has fallen on our way…