journal d'une transition

401

*13-11-1981, Auroville: I have received the last Volume of Your Agenda, at last, which had been blocked at the Customs… This Agenda… It is far too terrible and too momentous for words…

*14-11-1981, Auroville: I have been ill, with constant fever, reading Your Agenda, filled by it…

*20-11-1981, Auroville: Diane has been hostile these last days. We can hardly talk.

I have suddenly understood that I had underestimated her passivity; I had always been addressing her as a friend, an equal, turning to the consciousness in her, and I had not realised how passive she was under the play of contradictions in her own mind, and how stressful it must be for her own body…

*21-11-1981, Auroville: Today I have the experience of the space, the position and the movement where Diane has been wanting me to come, to meet and be with her… And I feel thankful and I know how dear she is to me… And tonight she comes to me, not quite sure, but for once I can take her in my arms effortlessly, and we meet and she becomes tranquil and we sleep… *22-11-1981, Auroville: Krishna has been staying in Pondy because of another crisis with his kidneys, and I have been going to him, or taking him for the day to “Utility”. He would have rather wanted to rest here with me, but Diane would resent it and it would be no rest at all but a mess… I feel sorry about it, though… Now he has to get some tests done, for which he may have to go to the Hospital in Kodaikanal for a week or so, and I want to try and be with him at least a few days… So, just to break the mechanical routine of it all, I act a scene this evening: I prevent her from going to “Dana” to bring the basket as she does usually; I take her bike keys, and carry the basket myself to “Dana”, where I stay awhile. When I return, I find her trying to start her bike with a borrowed key; I take the spark-plug away; she goes mad! E.B, who’d just come visiting, is watching quite amused and begins to laugh out loud; and we all laugh… And tonight we can meet again… If she wants me on that level, alright: I can do that! *24-11-1981, Auroville: Diana tells me that she went yesterday looking for another place to stay…

*25-11-1981, Auroville: Last night I had a long experience with Satprem very close, very close…