journal d'une transition

395

*17-9-1981, Auroville: For the second time this weird “thief” comes into the house, in the middle of the night, and simply devours all the food that was kept in the cupboards…

*18-9-1981, Auroville: Diane has got resentful again, when she sensed the intimacy John H and I were sharing… But I can’t help it! I just cannot ascribe to my whole nature one single fixed position…! I can’t just be a man – or, rather, I can’t just be turned to the “opposite” sex, exclusively, because… simply because this isn’t my reality…! *20-9-1981, Auroville: I have needed to be more silent, more centred, but Diane misinterprets this in terms of distance… This evening, I had wanted to take a walk by myself; she misunderstood it, and it turned sour between us… She then thinks I am manipulating her, taking from her what I want and turning away when I am not interested; while I wish she would concentrate on her own progress rather than on our relationship… *21-9-1981, Auroville: Diane has gone to “Jaïma” this morning, supposedly to look for some papers; and of course she met Jean there, who of course gave her the expected lecture, ranting about my possessing her as well as G.M and whoever happens to be close to me… And so she has come back with it; and it comes o me and throws me off-balance… I manage to slice my thumb with the cutter, and it bleeds profusely…: a summary! … We do two hours of exercise in the afternoon, followed by a long run in the Green Belt; we have dinner in “Dana”, quietly… Yet, once home, we have to talk it over, and I feel that… this is the last time! I want no more of this! Not again! If it comes back once more, we part: I’ll stay alone! *22-9-1981, Auroville: We got up before dawn today, and started together, Diane to go play basket-ball and I to work-out in “Last School”… … Uma came to ask us to help twice a week at the Boutique in Pondy, which she and “Shankar” – that is P.G’s new name now that they have married! – are looking after… Perhaps we’ll try that… … There seems to be a sort of stalemate everywhere, all over the earth, and in us as well; and with us it is a waste of opportunity… but perhaps this is just how human substance behaves, here or there or anywhere, and it feels so poor, under the pressure of the new consciousness… *23-9-1981, Auroville: Viewed from a centring in physical, corporeal work, psychological tensions appear almost as foreign, something old that persists still, a way of evolving that is becoming false. But the nerves are still weak… … Today we go down to Pondy for our first shift at the Boutique; it seems to make Diane happy that there is thus something we can do together…