journal d'une transition

393

It is as if I must against all odds demonstrate, with such a show of love, that she has been right to come to me… But this isn’t the way I feel; I feel the need for time; that in time the trust will build up that will allow for true affection to develop. I have more confidence in that than in a blaze that is then quenched and only leaves crumbling embers… … I work a lot in the garden these days, the sun, slanting at a slight angle, pouring a soft, transparent, radiant light onto the damp leaves and grasses; there is a breath of joy and I breathe along, it is like a wedding lighting up an otherwise pointless universe – that of man’s reign… *20-8-1981, Auroville: Now “Pour Tous” sends us a good basket of food-stuff twice a week, and every time it feels like Father Christmas has come… …Today Ojha makes us a surprise visit; in his own way, he misses us; he keeps telling us that we mustn’t give up “our work”… It is funny…! *22-8-1981, Auroville: Diane resents my involvement with Coni’s class; perhaps she feels that I would grow into it if nothing else pulls me, and it is too unfamiliar to her; we need to find something we can do together, as an expression of our relationship – or as a demonstration of its validity? *29-8-1981, Auroville: We attend a meeting on a new construction project to begin soon in “Dana” – for collective housing -, with the intention of proposing ourselves as coordinators… We put it to the others. Let us see… … Since Diane has moved here, we have really seen very few people: G.M and Marcia, Barbara, John H sometimes, Krishna… *1-9-1981, Auroville: We attend the general meeting. It seems to me that we are slowly and steadily strangling ourselves, within the freedom given us, into a condition which is in no way superior to the current, worldly one…: we are re-creating the limitations each of us had had to struggle out of individually, negating or ignoring the call to an awareness that no external means can ever produce… *5-9-1981, Auroville: Diane and I have our first big fight; it happens on the road as we are going for our run, and I have to pus hand prod her a little, and she provokes me, and I slap her, twice… She is stunned; and I am desperate! I want her to be beautiful, to manifest her own harmony, to take care of herself, to trust and respect herself, so that I in turn may honour her and relate to her as a person… But she expects me to start from the beginning and to help her reach that strength she needs; and I can’t: it is too passive, it almost repels me… Yet I do want to help her, and to give her what she needs… … We are called in the night to a field nearby where the SSJ’s group, through its new German recruit, having purchased it, are now trying to start a new settlement; 4 carts have just come in and unloaded some materials; a few of us go over there I