journal d'une transition

391

There is the lack of any beautiful movement between people: things like loyalty, truthfulness, tenderness, these jewels of human experience, seem to be denied here, or negated… Perhaps spirituality is the last, and the meanest, of all resistances, and the most persisting poison…! There will probably be other times ahead when I will feel attuned again to some shared movement, there will again be simple joy and the flow of energies, but it is in these dry and empty periods that, I believe, the situation is perceived most objectively, bare of the clothing lent it by those very energies that merely pass and leave us unchanged, but for an added nostalgia.. *29-7-1981, Auroville: I have been reading “The Persian Boy”… I had not been aware of how near and deep and endearing was the figure of Alexander the Great! But this was a real living soul! You both must have been somewhere around! There’s much of Sri Aurobindo in him, I feel, and the relationships that his presence and his fire wove and elicited were so beautiful… … Is there still a Will to change us, to turn us into sparks of the Real, into powers of the Being? What is the meaning of a few great stars leaving but burning trails on this crowded planet, if what remains must go on unchanged…? *30-7-1981, Auroville: This afternoon, on Larry’s request, I pick up Thera at “Aurodam” and take her to Pondy to see the magnetos copy of Satprem’s interview at the “Alliance Française”. There are about 30 of us gathered in a small room before a TV-like screen… The door re-opens and in the daylight entering I meet Diane’s eyes… so wide and deep and straight from her to me and from me to her, after the inner storm… And I know we are together… G.M and Marcia are with her: G.M has arranged it, with his love for me and his friendship for her, and he is watching me with a childlike pleasure… *31-7-1981, Auroville: G.M has asked me to bring Nath for dinner at “Dana”; but he’d planned to invite Diane as well! He is laughing at it, a mischievous kid; I don’t know whether I am angry or happy, but he, my friend, has every right on me…! Marcia arrives then, with Diane. We both feel awkward and glad at the same time, half hiding it, half giving it out, saying nothing… G.M makes us laugh, then, with the story of the latest fight at Matrimandir, between Phil and Piero (a general meeting has been called about it for tomorrow)… Before taking Nath back, I just manage to ask Diane to come, later. And she comes. She has tried to return to her “normal life”, being “saved” from me… But she has been missing me all the same… After the abortion, she had a tough week, with constant pain in her spine due to the anaesthesia… She has moved to a hut in “Protection”, alone… She says she will make it clear to people that they must stop harassing her with these formations about me…