journal d'une transition

383

G.M was angry at me when he learnt of my decision, and said that this withdrawal would solve nothing at all… But I only knew there was no more space for me… … At the last general meeting, which I did not attend, one of the “decisions” taken was to ask Kiran to leave. And today, the “Envelopes” meeting broke up mid-way, so that a group of about 12, I think, would go to the Camp and ask her directly. I wouldn’t have done that, she is my sister; but I also understand why the others feel so much that this has to be done, for she has been weak; she has not served when the opportunity was clearly there… And I feel the presence of a love there… *30-5-1981, Auroville: Barbara and, later, Arjun, come and stay with me to persuade me to come back to the Coop. I delight so much in Arjun; he is such a fine being… They are so determined, that it makes no more sense for me to resist… … I go quickly down to Pondy to get flowers for Jacq’s birthday and bring them, along with her visa papers, to the Camp, and stay with her and Kiran for a moment. Then, with Diane, I join the Coop meeting, which takes place at the office… I only try to say that, to my sense, we had lost track of the spirit of service… but it may not have been understood… … Later, I go over to see Krishna: he comes hard on me, very hard, on the falsity of the position expressed by the Coop, the attitude it represents, etc. I take it in: it could have come from me as well… *31-5-1981, Auroville: We were supposed to meet again this morning, so as to re-distribute the work among us, re-centring around the real purpose of this Coop. But there is only an image of that, an echo, none of us is natural. It isn’t working. It’s as if a Presence has left. I feel freed. And Diane, on her own, felt it too…

*1-6-1981, Auroville: Diane and I spend the day catching up with our work, in a mess of papers and letters and accounts, each one at a type-writer, till it gets cleared.

*3-6-1981, Auroville: Marcia has returned today from Brazil, sweet Marcia… … I have seen people lying and manoeuvring, and apparently hiding to themselves their own motivations and the root of their resentment…

*4-6-1981, Auroville: Formations fed with jealousy; lies; how much of the Pressure and the Light is distorted by the mind, how rare is the straight cry from the very truth of the being…!

*5-6-1981, Auroville: Everything seems to be on the verge of collapse.