journal d'une transition

352

*17-11-1980, Auroville: I have found the name for the baby girl…: “Jayaura”! But I don’t know yet whether V and C.E will welcome it! … Today we have a general meeting with the new “Administrator”…

… Oh! To become one with the Need, of the fullness of the being, of the Presence, of That… To turn to that Need, more and more: this seems to be the sole activity that makes sense at every moment and in every circumstance… Not a need for one’s little self, or for the others, not a need either for any “salvation” or “liberation”, but… a need for THAT TO BE, for That to govern, and to fill our emptiness…

*19-11-1980, Auroville: The situation is far from settled.

The new Administrator was obviously not prepared for the scene here, and he is falling prey to all these “sincere and devoted smiles” delegated to him by the SAS or the SSJ’s group. Meanwhile, on “our side”, all kinds of secret and “confidential” messages go beck and forth between Satprem, Fred and others: all the old competition, as if the past thrived on…! … Hypocrisy, dishonesty, disguise and self-justification, like an ink thrown into the water, and all in the name of spirituality…: better the self-respect and dignity of an “ordinary man”! … Today I dry the house with a charcoal burner and cleanse it with frankincense and sambrani… *20-11-1980, Auroville: The house in “Dana” is finished; C’s house here is also nearly completed. So, G.M and I have returned to work at Matrimandir this morning… … This afternoon at the general meeting things become a little clearer when Diane and Cl.A, who have been following the Administrator since he came, tell us how they have finally managed to settle him in Aster’s house, out of the clutches of the Pondy crowd… Diane brings to this a simple sense of being like a large family, and of solidarity… A list of names is drawn and agreed upon, to form the body of the Coop that will relate directly to the Administrator and be his main contact to Auroville: Diane, Fred, Cl.A, Arjun, Savitra, Myrtle and I… P.G had earlier proposed that anyone could object to any of the names suggested without having to give an explanation; in this fashion, G.M objected to the name of D.W, and Cristo objected to those of M.T and Piero… … I had been daily baby-sitting, but yesterday and today I couldn’t get the time; tonight I find V very depressed and worried, as she is not producing enough milk; we have to rebuild her confidence… … When I come home, I find Yel asleep in the big room, waiting for me; his body is half-bare, abandoned… I kneel beside him and hold him and he wakes up and remains in my arms, shy, unsure and wanting; I give him pleasure; it is a risk, but I choose to trust him, and I do need at least one such open possibility in the daily life… I have a sex, and no morals! But I love You, and I need the Truth of this world: His Truth, His world – not the one of bigotry, pretence and selfish calculation… I need Him, concrete and manifest…!