journal d'une transition

344

*3-9-1980, Auroville: I am putting away new albums in the book-case. I look through that old one where photographs of me at different ages since birth till now are kept; the change of appearance is striking in such a brief time-span, and this reminds me, with acuteness, of what I had to go through before I got hold of a central direction and began to collect my parts and unite them around the … passage?, the work?...: all these beings and their possibilities and propensities… … The work in “Dana” is progressing well, we are finishing the upper roof and we are also pruning all the trees around the house; there is good energy… *5-9-1980, Auroville: There must be a tremendous increase of one’s capacities to assimilate consciously the daily experience of this physical life, if most of it is not to go and feed subconscious layers, adding thus to the weight that pulls down towards the necessity of death… It is so essential to learn to offer, offer at every moment…

*6-9-1980, Auroville: Sometimes I can’t stand it with the people here: the crudeness and the confusion, loud, satisfied, and so callous… It is like a cry! Why aren’t the people here those who understand, who feel…?

*7-9-1980, Auroville: My bisexuality allows for a wider range of experience, in both an inner and in a psychological sense, and I have learnt and acquired a lot through it. But something is still missing, in the manifesting: the spark that fuses from the right relationship, the right balance, the right sharing… Wherever I turn and observe, I don’t seem to find one example of someone who has walked Your path single… … The FRO man rides in, visiting, with a beautiful and rather silly girl, and I have to welcome them here and “chat” with them; it is awful…!

*8-9-1980, Auroville: I don’t know how to progress. I don’t know how to walk! Build me, Lord, make me real!

… That bizarre fellow François has been arrested… Pierre and Lisa are hiding in town, as their ‘Quit Notices” have been activated on orders from Madras… Diane has gone to meet Sir CPN Singh in Lucknow… … I don’t know what’s happening; I am deprived of joy. I can’t even feel this joy with G.M and that’s the worst…

*9-9-1980, Auroville: There are those moments when I seem to understand, to begin to understand, where my “true place” is: to SEE and to love, wherever, whenever, however…

*12-9-1980, Auroville: