journal d'une transition

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… The SAS people come, along with the SSJ’s group. The question had been there, what we would do when they march in for their “meditation”… I had suggested we stand and watch it all in silence… And that is what happens. Like ghosts and sheep they come in a file, sinister, grotesque and pitiful; they walk around Matrimandir between two rows of police, and us watching them; we have to contain and offer the frustration, and somehow we keep together… I feel something was done and, perhaps, a great danger was avoided… There were moments of such nearness, I could have wept…! And when it was over, it rained…

*16-8-1980, Auroville: Today I wrote to Satprem.

I bring my letter over to M.D himself, to pass it on; I meet a few people in “Aspiration” and tell them about it, what I have tried to express, and they seem happy…

*17-8-1980, Auroville: I am suddenly very depressed, after one more evening when, because of the presence of No hand Pas as the second couple, I couldn’t simply be with G.M, in that space we normally share. I look at it carefully. It is not jealousy, for I appreciate them very much; besides, I never feel “robbed” of that space in Marcia’s presence. Then I look at all these small moments of unease, now and then, with so and so, the small movements of hesitation, of uncertainty; I still do not well understand the effects my presence bears upon others… I feel thrown back, again and again, to the solitude of a force and radiance compelled, by a will not its own, not “my” own, to remain single, and to grow, or “be grown”, by Hands that seem to my affective needs rather intolerant and exacting… And I find myself nowhere, groping in the dark… *18-8-1980, Auroville: I go to Madras alone to try and give my answer – rejoinder – to “The Indian Express”: four hours standing in a crowded bus, starting before dawn; hours of waiting… The reporters are alright, but the Editor is a most unpleasant man, and I can’t be sure he’ll publish my letter. But I did what I could, I believe… And when I drive back from Pondy in the evening, I can cry and sing for gratitude… to be home! … And I find a letter from Diane and C.A in Delhi; it has a positive tone; they say that Kireet is now in a stronger position to act… *19-8-1980, Auroville: Last night I had again one of those oddest dreams, so precise in their atmosphere, as if from a past that lives on. We are on a natural platform, high up, near an old fort, about 10 or 12 of us. A big weight is to be lifted and a sort of flat entrance is to be unsealed, prying its flat safety bar loose; we try to do it by using a balance system, some of us holding and pressing a long wooden beam; I am on the lower part of the balance, trying to break the thing open when the others go strong; I think that G.M is with me; strangely I see Th going to help the others and it feels a little weird; one last thrust and they all go far up in the air with the handle: the