journal d'une transition

327

… I interrupt my dinner preparations and we go attend the meeting, mostly out of a sense of duty… But at least I can get some of my “paper-work” done there itself, instead of running after people… The meeting is uninteresting and repetitive… We need to find another way, but what? And sometimes I wonder: it seems to me that perhaps each of us here is a little cracked, having lost some basic sense of proportion, or of relativity, and it is a bit scary… and somewhat sobering! *12-7-1980, Auroville: It is O.P’s birthday today. When I am finished with the pruning of the mango tree here, I take him down to the Ashram… We are allowed to spend about 25 minutes in Your and Sri Aurobindo”s rooms: as soon as we are inside, the pressure comes and there is this powerful adjustment of all the parts of the being till a receptivity is obtained, an essential simplicity… This prayer arises, at the end: “Put Your Force on everything that is true; put Your Light on everything that is not true…!” … The cheque that had been sent by the Calcutta industrialist for Matrimandir has been blocked; the man has actually stopped the payment! The SAS has got to him. Perhaps my impression that they had somehow intercepted all our mail is founded; we have also learned that they have hired the services of a detectives’ agency. There is nothing much to do but to laugh…! My tendency would be in this case to take it as a lesson from the adversity: something in us was not sincere enough, perhaps some kind of boasting? … I find Diane to be very ambiguous in her ways and in her feelings; for instance, on the one hand she complains and wants to leave everything to me, and on the other hand she goes on writing letters and appeals without even telling me about it… … Ulla comes to me for her papers, and I see that Diane has taken them, without informing me. In the evening I ride down to “Jaïma” to check with her: she didn’t take them; so someone else took them? I try to propose to her some better ways of communicating and coordinating in our work… I don’t know why I keep trying: there is no personal interest on my part, except that I probably – surely – enjoy having some function, some use, in an organic fashion: channelling something useful, serving… But I do not want to fight for a bit of territory…! … The world news is alarming…! What can the mind grasp? It seems that there is like a nervous layer all around where Death reigns, armed with its paraphernalia of torture, the most refined to the crudest – the material illusion, a huge screaming pain covering the entire planet… And, just beyond that, it ceases to exist… What, then, is the direction? *13-7-1980, Auroville: Kamel and Laurence come to ask me for my old Japanese sword and tabi; but I don’t have them anymore. They are preparing for a “bal masque” tomorrow to celebrate “La prise de la Bastille”, the French Revolution… That formation is still very much active among the people of “Aspiration” of a group around You… I find it disturbing: there is a sort of narrow exclusivism to it, which I don’t trust. … Bhaga brings me the new cassettes of Your Agenda. Now that she has moved back to the Centre, I wonder if her old “crush” will resuscitate?! I think the woman I need is not in Auroville… Will she ever come? But no beautiful woman ever seems to be attracted to Auroville, or not for long…!