journal d'une transition

306

I cycle down to Pondy and go to the “Yezdi” dealer. I have finally made up my mind to order a good, brand new motorcycle. I bring flowers to Al.B at Dr Sen’s Nursing Home, where he is resting from surgery on his knee cap; I hadn’t seen him since his accident; I am struck again by his linearity: he is of one mood, of one track, while I keep shifting, within seconds, from one state to another; it makes me almost ashamed, because my awareness includes what to him is subconscious… In fact, it is so with many people: they talk on, focussed on their thought-process and delivery, in a smooth continuous way, while I am often overwhelmed with all the other “things” that are active in them…! It is often very awkward! But I like the friendship between us… *12-4-1980, Auroville: I go to Krishna in “Certitude” this afternoon. A couple of days ago, to outline the absurdity of a certain collective egoism (while A had been away no one had remembered to leave his food basket for him), he had gone and grabbed hold of the entire supply and locked it in his room and gone out… As I had seen it, he had packed in that one action as much humour and aspiration for love as he could. But it now appears that no one there has even suspected it could be so, and every one has taken it very seriously... This settlement of “Certitude”, with the split between the SAS residents and the Aurovilians is almost suffocating… Today I find people posted, waiting for the arrival of the food baskets, looking very self-righteous – no trace of humour there! It is as if they are all against him… What shocks me most is the attitude of Patricia, she whom I cherish so much: she has not had the slightest intuition of Krishna’s meaning and call, and now she and F.Gr go up to him and threaten him that his supply might be cut as a punishment… This is all a little sordid… This is, I thing, what a “couple” association often does: it creates an even stronger egoism, each reinforcing the other and both feeling a little superior, and more accomplished… I cannot reach Patricia anymore…! … Twice the Tasilhdar and some officials come looking for G.M, to convey the Governor’s invitation to another “Peace Meeting”… This is too weird…! In the evening they come again and head for “Dana” with their jeep; I feel very uncomfortable about it; it is clear that Navajata and Co are trying to get some of us ensnared into the pretence of a dialogue, so that they can tell people in Delhi that they are working it out and there is no cause for concern… But this picking of individuals is sickening… So I make everything ready for our night-watch at Matrimandir, leave a note in the office for Krishna, and cycle over to “Dana”… Both Marcia and G.M are very tense; the Tasilhdar has just left; their entire day has been very tight, G.M hurt his hand, fruit was stolen from their orchard, they felt invaded by strange vibrations and waves of unease… I feel like watching closely over G.M these days… … Krishna joins be a little late; he is exhausted: he had no sleep last night and had to cycle to Pondy and back, carrying a whole bed! He lies down on a mat near me and soon he is fast asleep… I pray that I can be what my friends truly need me to be… *13-4-1980, Auroville: Sunday at home, resting – Gauri has been so restless, soiling my sleep every night of this past week…