journal d'une transition

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interesting and also a little embarrassing because, in the process, I touch upon fears, blockages and “shrinkages” that are very intimate to him… … Violence, blind violence, seems to be gaining ground on the land of India… … I have started to help at the “permanence” for the Coop, afternoons, answering letters, filling forms, gradually becoming aware of all the aspects of it; the atmosphere is good, everyone is focussed… … Narad enthusiastically helps me select special shade trees to plant on both sides of the road here… *1-4-1980, Auroville: There are only Bill S and G.M on the structure… How are we ever going to build that huge sphere? I don’t know…! If what matters is only the growth of consciousness, then we might as well be doing some handicrafts… This makes no sense… We are stuck: the cement is blocked, the money is blocked, there are no people to work with, and the SAS is dogging each of our steps… … Krishna shares a late dinner with me in the house; I spend a long time braiding his hair, in many small braids… *2-4-1980, Auroville: The thing with Narayana and Bhavani has now gone completely out of proportions. And the target now of all their grievances is… me! And I don’t see what I can do about it…! But what I see is that along there has been this show of false humility: being Your servants, ready for the most menial tasks, while, inside, they have been seething with resentment and bitterness… For years I have been uncomfortable with Narayana seeking “instructions” from me, and now it has all come out… To my sense, the main trouble is that there are not enough of us around Matrimandir and so there’s too much room left for frustrations, projections and formations to lodge themselves and fatten and thrive… … Piero, Gl and Christiane have been called to identify their common aggressor, at the Villupuram jail, yesterday: it is Abdul’s son, Mohammed… He is likely to get a two-years imprisonment… … Muthu’s gang has tried to occupy the topes at “Sharnga”… We go there; the Inspector Thomas arrives and tries to strike a bargain with us: he will drive that gang away (he’s got to do that anyway!) and, in exchange, we sign our summons and behave cooperatively… We laugh! … Pnina says she feels that we have a work together… and that the connection reaches deep and far and she is ready to give herself fully to it… But I am not! I appreciate and trust her more and more, but I cannot commit to one single person; it is better that I stay alone; I must obey the sense of joy and gratefulness in all things, for all things… We talk openly, hiding nothing from each other… *3-4-1980, Auroville: Diane brings us news from Delhi: it seems that in a few days an order will be passed to quash all the Court cases and to withdraw all deportation Notices; M.D asks that we do not go into any heavy scene during the next few days…! We jump like kids…! … Tapas, Rakhal, P.P and Renu have returned from Bombay; they tell us how it has been with the Exhibition, how many people they have met, some of whom had,