journal d'une transition

288

G.M drives me down to the bus-stop at dawn. I have to go and get all the steel mesh for the roof of C’s house… On the ride, I meditate… on the very first time a human being caused another to die, on the first “murder”, that first interference, that first breach… It goes well; I order the mesh, do all the purchases for Matrimandir; I meet Prem and an Indian lady at the station… I am back in time to sit and gaze at the ocean before dusk… G.M is already waiting for me at “La Maison” and we have a quiet dinner together, telling each other our day… … How can this world be “understood”? When beggars come to me now, I feel angry and want to tell them, to ask them: “why do you cling to life if you cannot believe in anything else than begging?!”… But, of course, one can’t say, one can’t even think… What is God’s Will? What is all this about? Is it all, every part and moment of it, for everybody, a teaching, the right teaching? It seems to me the worst human devil is… guilt! … When G.M drops me home, everyone has just left after the Agenda session, the last of this series of tapes… Yel is gently waiting for me with some fruit… *13-2-1980, Auroville: Valya, the sub-Collector, has been transferred somewhere lost near Ooty: our only friend…! … During my night-watch, I finish reading “The Island” by Huxley. I was not taken at the beginning; I found it rather mediocre; but now I appreciate it a lot: it shows very well how, implicitly, in order not to fail in moving ahead to a truer life, into a future of conscious change, one – especially if one is a group, a collectivity – must not break too soon from the usual known terms of communication with the rest of the world, lest the false Manichaeism one may have transformed in oneself and in one’s life may regain substance and power in the form of an external aggression against which one is now left vulnerable… *15-2-1980, Auroville: … I am at my leather work in the evening, silently; Yel is sitting near me, his friend has also come, the house is quiet; I haven’t heard him but, after a moment, I realise that C.E is also there; he has come to spend the night here with me… I send Yel to sleep, C.E puts on some music, makes us a hot drink; he tells me then his proposal for housing for everyone! He has worked out a multiple shift so that everyone is lodged where it fits best, including he and V together in Pas’s hut, and A.R having her own too! It’s funny that it now comes from him! We retire upstairs; and very gently we move into another time, a few hours of delightful and quiet and tender giving… *16-2-1980, Auroville: Yesterday P.G had told me of the decision taken by the “Certitude” people to throw Joss out of Cristl’s house and he had asked me to join… I had not felt any joy about it but had left it open, thinking that if G.M wanted to be there, I’d probably tag along… So, this morning, I was waiting to see whether he’d pick me up, offering this as a sign… And he didn’t, which was in a way a relief… I do not like the strategy Savitra has used on these people, moving into their house, misusing their good faith and playing an unfair trick on them; I do not like either the idea of our “occupying” that house; the experience of “Fidelity” (Jagdish’s group) has been