journal d'une transition

192

and received: that is the right and just learning…! But I cannot bear that it may hurt the body! I can’t bear that my own weakness in harbouring fear may bring about a betrayal, a disruption of the body’s harmony… My body wants to be strong and full and solid and plastic, it wants to express beauty, grace and harmony, it knows these to be there, it has devotion and gratitude for these things… … Je veux devenir ENTIER, Douce Mère, pour m’offrir entièrement à Toi. Je ne veux pas T’offrir un être divisé, infirme, dont une part se détourne des autres, amputé, s’accrochant à Toi et incapable d’agir entièrement… J’ai vu trop d’exemples de ça et, même si on ne le veut pas, on Te trahit… A part Satprem peut-être - ? – je n’ai jamais encore vu un être entier à Ton service… : ce n’est pas la peine ! Mon âme ne demande pas à être sauvée ! Sauvée de quoi ? Mais j’aspire à Te faire cette offrande, d’un être entier, simple, réel… ! *19-2-1979, Auroville: I am nearing the end of my reading of this beautiful book, “Shogun” - I had not read anything else than Your books for many years – and I feel grateful for it, and I admire the man who wrote it. I have been very moved by the perfection of its descriptions and the depth and richness of experience it conveys; it has taught me… *20-2-1979, Auroville: This morning I don’t feel like working. Perhaps it is because many of us have to submit to this Government Census and Patricia is to stay in the office to prepare for it. But I am also disturbed, I feel that things at and around Matrimandir aren’t looked after properly, I feel bad to be there only half-days, to have withdrawn from any responsibilities, I feel bad that so few of us care and give… Yet I do not want either to resume the life I had, working there full-time and suffering from the lack of commitment, regularity and discipline, unable to rely on anyone and becoming negative… And I am disturbed by the intrusion of the Government’s ways of dealing; with our lack of consecration; with my own impuissance to manifest at all what I feel to be true and worthwhile… *23-2-1979, Auroville: I’m off-centred, on an unreal speed; and inside me I’m just struggling for breath and endurance, as one who is carried by too strong a current, just relying on the trust that one will somehow be taken back to the shore… The time we spend, C.E and I, in the goldsmith’s house, is pleasant, because of the simplicity of its atmosphere and the detached attitude of this old man who has seen so much, worked so much and yet has never asked anything for himself, for his own comfort; it teaches something and gives the measure of the difficulty of our path where we have to tend things, be the caretakers of material wealth, to help create an integral environment for the integral life and yet never loose the concrete awareness that nothing of it is “ours”…

*24-2-1979, Auroville: