journal d'une transition

191

*12-2-1979, Auroville: It took me a while this morning to focus correctly onto the task of marking, but it came out alright. As I go down I see, climbing down the South ladder Sushilla’s sister and Auroculture and a third woman unknown to me – SAS people – and, stupidly, I remark to Gl about it; she at once wants to go and tell them to leave, but I see then that Th is talking to them and I do not want to aggravate the sense of division; but Gl just goes ahead; I follow behind… It all becomes confused and ridiculous, others join in and everyone seems to have become silly and… oh! I don’t want to become a fanatic! I try to guard Th and take his hand, he is trembling. All this makes me so uneasy, I leave… Later I ask C.E to hand over to Th a short message, asking him to come and talk; but, towards the evening, I feel not to wait for him to come but rather to go to his house at “Certitude”. It is uncomfortable at first; I am not sure what to say, actually, except that I do feel for him and that it is not a matter of division but one of clarity and commitment, simple and direct. He speaks then, of how limited we are and how strange it is to observe, to listen and to find that, with practically no exception, what we expect or demand from others are the very things we are too weak to do ourselves… I don’t know… For several years now I have been associated with attitudes that do not fit inwardly and yet I have been led to them by a yearning which is deep and true: how to say any of that? I have not liked myself this morning; I judge myself: it was a weakness on my part to tell Gl, it was cowardly to hurt Th thus, and to stand alone then, incapable of expressing myself honestly… Shradhavan joined us in Th’s room; she was moved and intense; she insisted I must stay for dinner, but C.E was waiting for me, and I felt myself still unclear… I’d better stand on my own, with my own faith, and grow up! *14-2-1979, Auroville: Mother, Lord, may I grow and learn without wasting, without damaging anything on this earth! This is the most horrible feeling in all the worlds when one is faced with the consequences of one’s shortcomings in the very body of the earth, when one can but see, with the most acute of all pains, the suffering inflicted to the body of the earth… Let the Lord rise in us and give us the force not to destroy, not to spoil, not to bring suffering and ugliness into His body…! *16-2-1979, Auroville: I can see how deeply this sense of guilt is still anchored in the substance. I can see how much clarity and strength are needed to dissolve it for good… When I find myself in an attitude I dislike, whenever I am discontent with my actions, whenever I see movements that have to change, instead of offering them up with trust – the trust that it can and WILL change and that the Help is there -, instead of that, there is fear and worry and the expectation that the consequences will bounce back: the sense of punishment! … When Sri Aurobindo says that, even long after the central choice is taken, one still has to experience the consequences of harbouring desire in any of its forms, in being taken out of the conscious peace and quiet and wideness one has reached