with Sri Ganesh

There is unease now with me, because I must go out for three weeks, and I feel and understand now that Kusum’s sons are somewhat expecting that a new care-taker will be chosen soon (by whom, it is not clear yet), around the time of Sri Ganesh Chaturthy, mid- September, and that I shall be kicked out; and so, they do not wish to “invest” in me and will not support me, will not support Kusum’s choice, their own mother’s choice, out of jealousy and resentment I suppose… In my absence, Manikandan has accepted to keep up with the daily puja, at the same time – 8.30am to 9.30am -, so that there is no break in the attendance and the word is kept. Parthipan, who sleeps in the Riddhi room, will clean everything each morning early before he goes to work. A few people from the Ashram have come for the puja and may come again – they did not seem too disappointed by the service I could offer. I want to study more, to be more impregnated with, more aware of, the realization of Sri Ganesh. I find there is the inner significance of it, lodged within. But what is left of the physical mind has to labor at it, till it becomes part of the body’s knowing. Yesterday evening, Kusum’s elder son accused me of stealing from her belongings, of being responsible for her death, and threatened to complain formally about me… He is organizing for the Chaturthy on the 18 th , inviting an old, well- known Swami from the South, to attend, as well as a host of people from Pondicherry – two busloads, says Bitti…! What is strikingly obvious now is how much he and his brother have actually resented, and been jealous of Kusum’s choices, her trust and reliance in me, and our relationship, as an expression of an experience they do not understand; just as they do not understand on what inner basis we function here and how we, as a team of which Kusum was and remains an essential member, experience our bonds… - 07-09-04:

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