journal d'une transition

186

I love Matter and I am disgusted by the influences that play on it and make it so often and so much a hell. I need to FEEL that all this substance is Yours, belongs to the Lord, so that no distance is left and no play may interfere, deform, debase, pervert… … I abandoned myself and slowly turned to him and we met in full light, a transparent, confident sharing and release… I don’t quite know what people mean by “self-control”, but to me it seems that it must mean to be centred, ready and awake and to live, instead of being lived…! *9-1-1979, Auroville: C.E is lying by the fire sweetly like a child; I go beside him; it feels like we are on a boat, letting it be carried by the current and basking in the sun, a light breeze caressing us after so many struggles and heavy storms and holding on to one direction… … My heart vibrates with gratitude for the presence of the Force, it comes intensely when we reach here and see the house, so preciously set in the trees, glowing, simple and yet secret, a living being; and each tree, each plant seems to answer to and radiate the Presence… what a gift of Grace to be here…! *10-1-1979, Auroville: Everything in the world of human mind and life is motivated; the determinism of mind is so crude and gross compared to the movement of consciousness, the intensity of conscious existence in which immediacy and eternity are one… … I don’t want to be wasted away and – at a precarious end – weep over stolen time and substance…! … From this to That how many worlds, universes, aeons, how many bodies…? But all will gather in an instant of consciousness when it is done… *13-1-1979, Auroville: The same perpetual question – anguish or amazement – at the process of living : of getting life-vibrations, movements and impulses to carry one onward and open and widen and meet and touch and grow, and yet, behind, this hesitation, this persisting insatisfaction, deep like a void. Why this compulsion? Is this really the whole of it? To live and experience and to constantly labour in order to be moved by energies and to learn out the movements? Is there not another way? Can’t one be filled directly, be it in stillness or in action, by something else more real, more conscious, something one would unite to for ever, something that will not let one down? There are so many ways to perceive the question, so many ways to need and to aspire… To jump into the flow of life, uniting with the urge to create and the joy of manifestation, yes… but when the impulse retires for one reason or another, one is left hanging in a meaningless void, looking to death to end it… As for the advice to withdraw from the world?! No! The only answer is: That. The material Supreme. That. That. That.

*14-1-1979, Auroville: