journal d'une transition

176

I cycle back in the heaviest of the rain, the road is flooded with torrents of red water pouring down the canyons, both a grace and a devastation, so much land being washed away to the sea year after year and nothing done about it; even in Auroville so little as yet has been done and the road up to “Aspiration” is itself a gully, when all this water could be kept into the soil! Back here I find C.E sponging a bucketful of water from the floor: the wind had blown so fiercely from all sides that the granite walls got drenched and begun to drip; it is quite funny, like a cavern by an underground river. This is our night watch at Matrimandir tonight and it pours and pours till dawn… *5-11-1978, Auroville: It is obvious I am no longer in the same condition, I have changed, C.E has changed, things have changed and therefore reactions cannot be the same; and it is an interesting moment when, from a little truer position, a little more conscious, one looks at the recurrence of mechanisms that used to throw one into a depression, one sees them and understands better the process, with more quiet and more firmness; yet one senses, minutely, delicately that, were the mind dwelling on it a little too long, that whole atmosphere would re-form and re-enter one’s consciousness and experience and one would be in it again! *6-11-1978, Auroville: Whenever I read certain things about “the adverse forces” I ask You within, Mother: “You who have the Love, the true Love, You who are the One who loves, You must love them too and through Your Love open their unique knowledge, they will show it to You and the whole world will come together…” But even now, were I to say this aloud, what names I would be given! … At night we meet, for a long time, intensely, giving ourselves fully, quietly and deeply, with a silent mind, concentrating without fear… I had not experienced it so completely and it didn’t leave me empty. In the past, there had often been like a taste of ashes and the sense of having been robbed. Not this time. Not at all. At one point, very concretely, my physical mind got the suggestion that I was playing in the hands of an “adverse force”; but, centring, I realised that if this suggestion could come at all it was only because I had started to watch my movements with my mind, I was no more given, no more into them: it is this self- consciousness which creates the gap through which such suggestions can come in… It was interesting to see this and, because I kept confident and calm, it didn’t last more than half a minute or so. I understand that the inner attitude is so essential… It isn’t a question of setting a theory, it is my experience, on my own way to the Lord, in the Lord and it is only valid for me… *13-11-1978, Auroville: I am wondering about the kind of pressure to progress one puts upon oneself just so as not to waste time BECAUSE life has an end and whet is left undone in this life will have to be taken up in another, BECAUSE of death… Isn’t that itself feeding the very roots of illusion? I feel the need to search within for the truer motivation for progress, for growth, REGARDLESS of death, a movement that rises and expands whatever the conditions are, in “life” as in “death”, in a body as without a body… Then this truer need will be the guide and the light…