journal d'une transition

162

… I saw V pass and stand dreamily gazing at the house, a load of cut bamboos in her arms, like a lovely little girl; I was reminded of how we had suffered from this very lack of reciprocity when it was me, then, who didn’t have the same yearning… How to get to the true life – life true to the Presence within? I want to reach equilibrium and have no egoism. *14-8-1978, Auroville: We laughed over my bad night: my sleep was so agitated that I fell off the bed! Yet when it came to agree on walking back together from Pondy, it became all tense as if there was nothing we could do together any more… I tried to locate in myself that little door to the Supreme that every born being has access to… Out of schedule I came upon C.E in the street and we finished the shopping together and he decided he wanted to come with me to Paolo’s (yesterday Paolo had come while I was at work and left a note of invitation for me to meet him at lunch today). We stayed there till 3 pm and it was light and happy. C.E’s presence helped me to observe how I am still prepared, or still used, to being courted, but also that, with Paolo, a need for a more real and substantial friendship has developed. … I have received another letter from J.F.A and, at night, on the sand-pile, I tell C.e about this peculiar relationship, and of the “problems” it evokes as one addresses another person in a mystical way or dimension… I have found my prayer, the prayer I can make at all times, it is the little door to the Supreme that each one has access to within oneself and through which He can step and begin to manifest – so that little by little I can put all the energies into that prayer… For; what else matters than the Supreme taking conscious possession of Its instruments, Its bodies, of the physical and material worlds…? … Tonight as we were preparing to sleep, at a sign in C.E’s way of moving, I felt it was time for our bodies to meet, I went to sit by him and we embraced… I could have wept; it was like the parents’ arms when one is a child… We lay together and it was hesitant and happy and intense and playful… Yet I stayed awake for a long time wondering if by my fault I have exposed us… But then I fell asleep and dreamt that we were making a garden and planting flowers with a great depth of meaning… 16-8-1978, Auroville: While at work we were each dealing with the “after-effects” of our experience, but it wasn’t heavy. And tonight when we lay down again, we told each other what we’d been going through during the day and it was quite simple and there is a happy trust, a confidence that rises from being aware that we are nothing and can do nothing, that we rely on That alone to take us forward… *19-8-1978, Auroville: I feel steeped in confusion, just like the air today, grey, heavy and sticky, I don’t know how to shake it… Then as drops of rain start falling I propose to C.E that we go running, let energy out with earth and sky : we follow the “Fertile” road and run till we reach the big pond, orange water against the red soil, silent, intense and *15-8-1978, Auroville: Sri Aurobindo’s Birthday and India’s Independence Day…