journal d'une transition

143

where it is mainly informative – this, I also believe, has to be done, it is correct; but then there is a whole rambling on how we have sweated and suffered and been victims in our good faith – and that makes it disgusting, false and pretentious and silly and it shows clearly that we are not fit for any serious endeavour! The opposite of what is intended... My heart jumped when I saw a crowd of people gathering at the Banyan tree for a meditation; then I saw that SSJ was among them and surmised these may be devotees who perhaps contribute to the building of Matrimandir… I went down to the mixer; it’s after 3 pm when we can start, Piero is hovering about me, impatient… Little by little a joyful energy replaces the apparent chaos… As it is our first try in casting concrete on an incline, a steep slope, it takes time for us to find the right technique; we work non-stop till 7 pm, I stay at the mixer, Nar and V. help me. When it’s over, V. and I brought the remaining concrete over here and poured it in the foundations of the house with Nat. who’d been waiting. *23-2-1978, Auroville: At the end of the meeting Fred read a statement he had printed to protest against the Ashram Trustees’ decision to expel Satprem and many of us want to sign it; I’m happy with it. We worked till 4.45 pm. There is talk about this other paper we found out about, called “Matrimandir Letter”, a news sheet to be printed regularly at Madanlal’s initiative, with SSJ and Seyril, without ever having consulted with the workers; none of us knew about it till this morning! It would be alright, though, if it were just to give news of the work to all those who are interested and to the donors and contributors, but there is also a short excerpt of Your conversation with Paolo and Satprem, which, thus taken out of context, mainly aims at Roger A. and makes a fool of him; and this is unfair and does not represent at all what we perceive or experience here. Some of us will try to convey this to SSJ – to Seyril, it’d be pointless... I feel there is now a delicate situation with “Aspiration”; by their absolutism, they make it a tighter and tighter movement that is sometimes destructive: instead of taking up every activity in order to change it, they tend to suppress, erase, reject. Bound by a sort of mutual love, they get the impression of moving nearer and nearer to a point where they could jump into a different world, a world of light and truth where You reign, and they abandon or reject anything that is not “clear”, anything that may drag them back, confusions, and activities too difficult to offer… And so they cut themselves more and more from the movement of life, its richness and diversity, and their attitude provokes reactions that might lead to their being separated from the rest of Auroville and from any constructive effort. I feel that, in a way, this is another disguise for a mere escape from life’s difficulties, just like reaching for “nirvana” is. Yet it is a fact that I can find in myself the same attitude; only, to follow it exclusively would somehow feel very wrong. I want something more complete, more integral, even though it might be slower to come or the process of reaching it more tedious… I don’t know… They would surely say it is my “mental”, that I want to keep my mental ego! I really don’t know! I don’t want to be cut off from them but I need the rest also… and I want to grow integrally, as far as You can make me progress in spite of my resistances…

*24-2-1978, Auroville: