journal d'une transition

136

*20-12-1977, Auroville: V. got up early today; as I remarked happily about it, she replied that it was because of R’s voice and presence, that she’d been disturbed by it; and she asks him to move out! I feel a flow of sadness, as if something had been torn that could have been cleared with a little love, and I miss R…. Outwardly I’m quiet, silent, but I find myself weeping inside, like a small child with a heavy sorrow going to his mother’s arms and falling asleep… *21-12-1977, Auroville: We worked till 4.30 pm, R.O., Patricia and I. From Patricia I learnt that Abhay Singh had been “released” of his functions by the Ashram Trustees, and that Champaklal is no longer allowed into Your Rooms…! So perhaps the “imaginings” I sometimes get at the Samadhi, projections of future scenes, are to some extent founded after all… You once said that The Lord alone will decide the Ashram’s destiny… How to follow it now? One is too small! This put me in a strange state. I sense all these forces that shrink, shrink, reduce the place where You ought to stand and radiate, to the meanest negation of Who and What You are…! Later I went down to the Nursery to look for a flower for Martandar, Claudine’s baby son, yet to be born! *22-12-1977, Auroville: After dinner B. came to tell us of the letter Satprem has just written to us all, saying that he is leaving, that the body cannot stand anymore the pressure of so much bad will, and that he is with us and we are all in his heart, that he now truly is in another world… I only feel that I would like very much, perhaps even more than I know at the moment, that he comes to Auroville; that we build him a house and guard him and protect the atmosphere that is needed around him for the work You are doing in him… Where else can he go now? But perhaps You see that certain things are yet to happen here and that it is not yet safe enough for him to be here? Martandar is born tonight at 9.35 pm… “The sun within the darkness”! *25-12-1977, Auroville: This contrary pull, this contradiction, rather intense, this lack of centeredness as it occurs at certain times of one’s life, concentrating all the past difficulties in a few days or a few hours – and all the quiet, the inner tranquillity I have learned to identify with in the previous months remains now as my only tangible help… I grope for security in Your arms, in the flow of this life and service to You, in the forms of that Truth, today and tomorrow, I want to trust life when You stand in its core and guide it through every moment and event… Yet I feel pulled apart and confused and I would just sleep and sleep as a child who needs to assimilate before the dimensions of a problem or a question he knows himself unable to solve or answer… I just have to go on and endure and then I’ll find my place and attune to its rhythm, its pulsation, and it will show me how to love, how to be…