journal d'une transition

135

V. is upset with me for doing things always too personally and not being attentive enough to the others… she is right, I am aware of this imperfection…

*5-12-1977, Auroville: Funny, since we finished the walls I am again the only French native among us all and I feel so much happier for it – rather than being caught up in this French complicity! But one day it must be the same, I must become able to find joy and love with everyone! *6-12-1977, Auroville: F. addressed me about the “Tamil workers” who continue to take their meals at the Kitchen, and said he’d seen Parvati giving of her own meals to people outside… He said that it was my personal trip and will that I was imposing on the community… Again I felt this pressure of violence on my breast, this choking, which I do not have the clarity to repel. What do You want me to do? I tend to feel that, were I entrusted to do so, I would have the capacity to deal with the whole situation with the “workers”; but it is not the case and I’m willing to consider whether I may be wrong… Yet my heart feels so much! *17-12-1977, Auroville: I have been keeping quiet with V; I guess she thinks I am unclear these days, she doesn’t like R’s presence here; but I refuse this exclusivism. I remain gentle but I do not want to bargain, human relationships always seem to be one-sided… But what I have always sought is a full giving and sharing in every relationship, without any exclusivism; whenever I see it in myself I suffer; whenever I see it in others I reject it. What to do, I don’t know, but I have faith that what I aspire for, this fullness, this wholeness in diversity, is possible, that it can exist and will exist… But I have seen that I am very much like an animal and little like a man… It is this distance between the animal and the god, this distance called “man”, which is really obscure, filled with suffering, misleading, debased, abnormal… *19-12-1977, Auroville: Tall G. came to tell us that Monique had been attacked by 7 men on her way back from Pondy, who had stolen her bag with her passport and money in it… Some of us had already gone to the road, but it seemed rather pointless, the men having been seen on the run towards Edayachavadi village. We meet outside with Krishna and Pas.; it is clear we must do something now, to at least catch one of these men and keep him with us until we learn who is behind all this, and we are shown what the next step is to be; and we have to do so without the police interfering with its dubious good-will! Vibrations of fear are already pushing their way in and that is no good; we must stay calm, take it in the right way and make the necessary progress both in attitude and in action… Tonight R. is keeping watch near G.M’s and Pas’s houses while they are patrolling the entire area…