journal d'une transition

130

*22-9-1977, Auroville: Today I feel that really what I need is not human. It is here, it is You, it is Matrimandir, it is what it is… but I will not keep trying with the others if, as now, I feel that the aspiration is not the same… I don’t care if they criticize me. I don’t hold on to life. I need THAT and I find a bit of IT here and this is my way, but I’d rather “die” than leave the aspiration or cover the need for the purpose of what they call “togetherness”…

*23-9-1977, Auroville: Mother, is it possible for me to become CONSCIOUS in this very life? I don’t want to have illusions!

Sometimes I think I am not evolved enough and sometimes I think I have done with all the experiences! But then, why do I remain so empty, so elementary, and so hollow? I guess I am not ready to be filled up by the true thing, by That, it would break me down! So I must simply aspire for purity, to be sincere… And… You exist!

*1-10-1977, Auroville: I feel more and more that here at the Centre is not the place to seek for a collective experience or growth, but to concentrate on the specific task of building Matrimandir, and that’s all. I hope I’ll be able to bring this up, because really the situation and all the problems here are wrong, wrongly seen… Today I was made aware of my contradictions, of this remnant of will to have control over the others’ movements, of this death in me that refuses the rhythms of life when they do not go a certain way, of this impuissance to be wide enough, to have enough love or generosity…

*4-10-1977, Auroville: We learned that Indira Gandhi has been arrested yesterday! 65 of us had to go to Court today…

I feel like I’m about to get sick, in a decomposing atmosphere; I got disgusted and angry when some of us started to openly mock a transvestite who was passing by… This satisfied vulgarity in us! The only good thing that happened to me today was what I saw, and experienced, inwardly – there was a Presence in it, a flow of consciousness that gave me gratitude -: I was at the Samadhi, Your “box” was opened and I came close to You, pushing my way quietly among the others, and took Your body in my arms and carried You; I was so happy, You know, and I went with You up to the door, in spite of the others’ reactions, and by the gate I saw a big luxurious car come in, and then no one could see us any more, but the door of the car opened, I let You in, there was Sri Aurobindo sitting in a dense golden reddish light, powerful, I had His Darshan, and with Your Lord You made me understand that I could not go with You… The driver was a free being, a Conscious one; the presence of Sri Aurobindo was very strong for me, very important; I realised something; I wanted to go with