with Sri Ganesh

… In the afternoon I spend Rs. 500/- at the Market for the purchase of incenses, oils, camphor…

- 23-09-09:

… Because it was given to me to see and feel and know the Divine Presence – the Actual Presence of the Divine – in Matter, in the body, I know too that, in our present condition and with our present constitution, we are unable to consciously bear it more than a few moments at a time… This situation has often baffled me: we keep “aspiring” and striving to turn towards the Divine, pierce the veils and enter into a conscious relationship while, in fact, we do not want it, simply because we cannot tolerate it, we are unable to rise up to its charge and of maintaining that clarity and that truth of being for more than a brief “experience” – which we then jealously store as our spiritual capital and credentials… Yet it is somehow a necessity in the slow process of evolution and change to continue through with this charade, as it seems to be the only way to gradually wear out the separation and incrementally awaken every part of the manifestation to its true essential force and law of being. For it is this very separation that allows us to go on indulging, pretending, usurping, bragging and showing off as self-conscious “independent” creatures... And we do not, however loud we may profess the opposite, wish to let go of this indulging, of this pretend independence, of this egotistic satisfaction… And sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the absurdity of it all… For, if the truth and the force I keep addressing and invoking through Sri Ganesh were to actually reveal themselves beyond a brief, bearable darshan and take what I am now into a conscious relationship, I suspect that this “I” – this “I” of the separate physical consciousness on this side of “death” – would shrink from it and shut it off… The only way forward, really, that I know of, is the increasing reliance on the growth of the psychic influence and the transfer it may initiate: there is the key and there is the opening and there is the bearable process of actual abandon and release. And the question has often arisen in me, lately, of how much or how far I might be unwittingly mingling or associating the reality of Sri

409